All day today I felt not panicful and not chaotic and just kind of regular in a good way. In the middle. But not bland. Not too speedy, not too slow. Just right. I am totally the one that Goldilocks would choose. (Apparently what it feels like to be me is to speak in scrambled stream-of-consciousness sentences after returning from an awesome 1-hour-long beginning tap class.)
I liked not feeling precarious. I liked not being worried about tipping off the Depression side or the hypomanic side. I taught this morning, decluttered some fabric this afternoon, tapped this evening and now I am typing. Tapping my fingers. Tippity tappity tap tap.
And I still have as much to do. And the house is still the same amount of too-much-to-do and I am still the imperfect person that I was on days that I was in the Sad... but it just doesn't seem all that devastating. How awesome.
These are the moments that i live for. I don't mean that in an ominous "dear god do we need to call someone about her state of mind?!?" way. Just that this normal everyday feeling of humanness totally rocks. And I am going to revel in it. Basking in the normalcy.
(Of course normal is an illusion and we are all totally whack in one way or another, but let's just agree that "normal" is the absence of neurotic tics for however brief a period of time.)
I am slowly working on something that might one day want to be a song. (or it might want to be an origami paperweight. who knows.) Writing words is not a problem. Writing music is. At least for me. I don't improvise well. I am wedded to written music. Written-by-someone-else music.
I taught composition to beginning band students when I was doing my practice teaching. Why? Because I believe that when we teach music, we should be teaching the reading and the writing of music. Just as we do with reading English. Do we expect that all people who learn to write will become famous authors? No. But we do expect that they will pick up the conventions of the written word and be able to use it with some minimal facility at least.
So when we teach the reading of music, shouldn't it be the same? Not just writing scales, but creative writing in music.
I am, of course, all talk and no action. I made my students create while I sat there wedded to the printed page. I will play and sing music written by others. I am intimidated by the blank staff. The five lines that stare at me from the page.
I don't have a good vocabulary to draw on, maybe. I know what I like to hear, but I don't have the experience of putting together sounds to
Here is the baby seed of the song (it's from the middle. it has no melody. poor song.)
The creaking floor the empty seat
The hollow sound of wooden feet
I find a place that isn’t mine
Sunlight, movement, smell of pine
Thunder settles next to me
A song, a psalm, serenity
Grateful Crap: tapping fingers, tapping toes, where she stops, nobody knows
took my morning meds again... the cause of my energetic normalcy?
100mg lamotrigine, 450mg bupropion, 150mg venlafaxine
snuggled with the daughter
tap dance for 60 minutes
I am not even including my 4 flights of stairs as my exericise anymore... between tap, stair climbing and elliptical trainer I am going to develop the most massively powerful quadriceps EVER.
I love tap
Quaker, teacher, parent,