I am tired of fighting back the tides of Depression. Tired of trying to pull my thoughts away from the strong pathways built in my brain toward negativism and guilt. Tired of having to remember to take my meds every day (which I did, this morning).
It feels rubber-band taught. That any release in this struggle, any lessening of my will and I will snap back to my fully Depressed state. That the more I fight, the harder it gets to sustain this tension.
Easier by far to settle for less. To let a moderate amount of depression, a bit of flat affect, seep back in to regular rotation.
Balance is not easy. Balance has never been my strength. I twist my ankles right and left. I trip over shadows. I am afraid to be pulled over for drunk driving because although I never (really never) drink and drive, I am pretty sure that I could not walk a straight line.
How much simpler to swing between elation and dejection. The natural rhythm of a pendulum. So long as I don't swing too far. Which is the concern. So never mind.
These cheery thoughts typically accompany headaches, mild dehydration, whining children, the witching hour as dinner time approaches and allergies.
Both yesterday and today around this time I have felt my face turn to clay. That is how I described the way I felt for most of my senior year of high school when I was more than just mildly Depressed. An emotionless mask. The facial muscles unresponsive. Too much effort to create any facial expression.
I don't like this feeling. I need to take ibuprofin, drink much water and take a nap. Instead I will do dishes, make dinner and try not to yell at the children.
Grateful Crap: the fact I do not live in Syria and whatever problems I have they are privileged "first world" problems. (I should know better than to read the news when I am in a blue funk), that probably all the things I think are my fault are probably not
took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion)
took chewable B vitamins
made artisan pizza dough
spent some time outside
visited with neighbor
spread joy and light in the world with this cheery little post
Quaker, teacher, parent,