I suddenly feel like the entire summer has slipped through my fingers and there are all kinds of things that I need to get done and there is no way that I will ever do them and my lack of doing-ness will be the un-doing of everything.
I seem to spend a lot of time lately trying not to get upset about stuff. And it is the little stuff, not the big stuff that throws me for a loop.
For instance: I had a VERY DISRUPTIVE student last week. I teach adults. I have never had to deal with a disruptive adult before. When I worked in K-12 I could send them to their advisor to deal with the problem. The principal may or may not be involved. Parents might also be called in.
Not so in Adult Basic Education. I think I handled myself pretty well in the situation. My heartbeat didn't even speed up. I didn't get upset. (Okay, I did get upset later on behalf of the other students who needed to deal with the disruption-- but I didn't take things personally.) And I remarked to someone later that my time working with junior high students prepared me well for situations such as these. Ha!
So I manage to get through this potentially upsetting situation relatively unscathed.
But what do I get upset about?
Gardening, House Stuff, Beading Stuff, Writing Stuff and Family Stuff
The garden box (which last year was so bountiful) is kaput. I planted it with beets and lettuce and brussels sprouts and corn. The lettuce did okay until it got too hot and bolted. But everything else just kind of withered and sulked.
I am also disappointed in my potatoes that I am growing in containers this year. And the ones that I am growing in the ground. I didn't hill them up enough. I am sure they will be a disaster. I told my family it was a good thing we would not be relying on the garden for our sustenance.
I have neglected the tomatoes-- which have vine out and taken over entire sections of garden. The front garden (not in the box) has become a wild tangle of tomatoes, cucumbers, watermelon, zucchini, potatoes, sweet potatoes, beets, soybeans and (hopefully) beans. Of course I look at the explosion of plants there and I end up focusing on my failed crop of peas that I planted too close. And the tinker-toy lattices I built that were stolen this year.
I didn't have anyone come over to watch me clean last week. Which has caused me to conclude that I will never have anyone come over again and that I am doomed to either wallow in stuff or throw everything away and nothing in between. This is, of course, ridiculous.
I worry that I am not able to devote the full amount of attention to my beading that I would like to. I am still enjoying it, but I still have in the back of my mind the feeling of sinking into the work to the exclusion of all else. And I am nowhere near that level of manic beading, I miss parts of it. Only the fun parts. Not the crappy parts-- which are the parts I normally remember.
Family stuff is just the usual crap. And it isn't anything that everyone else doesn't face when dealing with extended families on both sides. Not connecting with people as often or as well as I should. Gotta love the shoulds. I hear they are really good for you.
I am also super stressed about the fact that I am not keeping up with my writing. Either on the blog, on my first trashy romance novel or my second trashy romance novel. But all of these things take TIME.
And I don't ever have as much time as I want. This does not make me unique. This is not a new thing, either. When people are amazed at how many things I do (or how little I actually manage to get done) I must remind them (and myself) of two things:
Oh, AND I am stressed (once again) about not staying current with my email/facebook/phone messages. So my lack of contact, f/Friend, is not intended to be some weird passive aggressive slight on my part. I'm working on it.
I must tell you that it was very enjoyable to spend time at the family cabin without getting sucked into any ridiculous projects. No throwing rocks. No obsessive beading. I went swimming, played backgammon, read, beaded and talked with friends and family. Treatment (and not being on the wrong medication) made last year's visit and this year's visit night and day. Yippee.
P.P.S. I have submitted some of my beadwork to the State Fair. Because what the heck, right? I also have a website but I am not going to tell people what it is yet because... I don't know why.
Quaker, teacher, parent,