SYep. Everyone is officially sick of this. My students have largely stopped showing up to check in at the beginning of the day. It was never mandatory. But it was nice to talk to them. I had a reason to readjust my crappy attitude. Now only one or two students (of my 19) show up. And they type little text messages while I talk to them. Hoping that this will end soon. Looking forward to seeing each other again. Wondering if there will be soccer in the fall. Elderboy and I are both not doing well depression-wise. This too is predictable. We recognize this. I swore with actual curse words about this three times today. We both laughed a lot. It's something we do when the Depression kinda sucks. Someone asked me recently if I thought I was better after getting my diagnosis of bipolar. I think because I seem worse now than I used to. Probably a lot. And I probably am. But that's because I had been on a long, gradual slide toward worse. That was kind of invisible to most people. Since I hid. So, am I better now than I was fifteen years ago? Probably not? I don't know. Am I better now than I was six years ago? Yes. But better is a relative thing. I'm not better all the time. I do remember a time not long ago when I couldn't remember having been in a Depressed Mood State. I had been flying along at cruising altitude for some time. So much that I was ineligible for a study that required me to be in a Depressed mood state for six weeks. Pretty sure I would TOTALLY qualify now. I'm down today. Kind of blah. I just can't be arsed. This is my favorite non-American-English saying. It fits. I can't be arsed to do anything. I so badly did NOT want to go on my #mandatorycovidwalk today. So of course I walked for one hour and fifteen minutes. Now I am TIRED. And people say "It is so good for your mental health and your physical health." I'm just going on them so I know it is possible to keep going. I walk mechanically. I walk powered by music. But I do take note of my surroundings.
When I plan on going for a shorter, more reasonable walk, I walk to a specific album. When I plan on walking more or less to exhaustion I put on something random. Always BTS. Can't smile today. So of course I was hysterically funny at dinner. I just want school year to be over. And then I want to lie flat on my back in my room, never leaving, and staring at the ceiling until someone tells me that the world is normal again. Sleeping beauty. If only I had a spindle. And had been cursed by a wicked fairy. Imma go watch socially unredeeming shows on Netflix now. Whatever Spouse and I can agree on. 11 more days of school. But who's counting. I miss my kids like hell. I hope they miss me. That's selfish, I know. But it's never fun to be the bearer of unreciprocated, unrequieted love. Grateful for these things: Not sick. Have job. Have family. Spouse. Live in safe neighborhood. Good weather. Shoes with orthotics. BTS. New friends. Old F/friends (who I am grateful for even though I will not connect with you now-- sorry). Language. Chiropractic. Governor Walz. Lack of bronchitis. Ceiling fans. Glasses with progressive lenses. Not being pregnant. Short fingernails. Blue hair. Family. Netflix. Memrise. Wattpad. Good meds. Even though they are not magic. Curse words-- judiciously applied. See. I was gonna list all the things that suck. I bet you're grateful I didn't do that. Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |