(Everything does not always suck. Trying to remember all that stupid cognitive behavioral therapy stuff about staying in the present and not looking at things in black and white. Basically whatever comes naturally to me... I need to do the opposite. I continue to walk about 1 hour each day. Here are the amusing things about my walk: I used to never be able to just "go for a walk." I had to go SOMEWHERE. Now I can meander. But I MUST be listening to BTS on my headphones. Without this, I cannot move my legs. It's my battery. I exaggerate. But while I am listening I could go on and on and on. I am inside the music and not in whatever crap I'm overthinking. I even have a method of knowing when I need to turn to go back home. On the one album (You Never Walk Alone) it's when they sing MAMA it's time to turn around. On the other album (Map Of The Soul: 7) it's when they sing Zero o'Clock. Have I mentioned that I do better with rigid structure? This makes no sense to people who know how chaotic I am. But there must be an underlying rigidity to support all that chaos. I am reluctant to put a number on things or say that I've lost weight... but my clothes fit better now than they have in a long time. I'm tracking the time that I walk daily. I'm tracking my weight weekly. Eventually I will track my food and make sure I'm getting enough vegetables. There is only so much self-care I'm willing to put in at once. I sleep. I take my meds. I go for walks. I eat regular meals. I get enough water and don't have too much caffeine I scare the crap out of friends and family by posting scary things. You know. But here's the thing: if I'm with it enough to post, I am probably not in the middle of a mental health crisis. Pro tip. It's like the light that you're seeing from a star. By the time it reaches you... the light is old news. I'm still worried about my students. But not in a cripplingly horrible way at the moment. There are only 5 weeks left in the school year, I think. And then (I say this every year) I will make a plan for some structure in my summer. Ha. I'm learning Korean in my spare time. I really like the writing system. My student asked me how to say "hello" in Korean. I haven't gotten that far yet... But I do know how to say, "Let's go to the karaoke room." Because (for those of you who know me) that is a SUPER useful phrase in my personal life even when there isn't any stay-at-home order. Soooo... I have been engaging in some retail-from-home therapy. Mostly just stuff that we need. But I did splurge (kinda?) and got myself a four-pack of (quite reasonably priced) plain, black cotton masks... from South Korea. Don't tell me this was unnecessary and there are masks available here. I KNOW this. But if I have to wear a mask, I feel better at this joke I have with myself. That my mask is connected with my musical obsession of the moment. It makes it feel more like weirdly-obsessive fandom and less like frightening pandemic-dom. And really, it's just a plain, black mask. Not with any kind of logo. Just a regular one like regular people have worn in Korea for years to protect their voices from dust and smog and pollen. And to keep other people from getting sick. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS. But I can pretend that I like wearing my black mask from South Korea. Because it is a secret joke. And it is comfortable-- as masks go. Psych NP has changed my meds. 3 pills lamotrigine at night. 2 pills fluoxetine in the morning. So far, so good. I mean, it's not magic. But I'm not in the clutches of despair. Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |