Everything sucks.
End of transmission. Fine, just kidding. I am having a VERY hard time working from home. I cry about my students all the damn time. I miss them like hell. My co teacher and I don't have the same dynamic when we aren't working in the same physical space. I don't get to have lunch with my teacher friends. Whine whine whine. And I shouldn't feel any of these things because I am hardly in a unique situation. So I have no right to talk about feeling bad. I have no right to feel bad. Only other people do. Makes sense. Ugh. My Depression wasn't great before All This Happened. I have had to add on latuda (my emergency "holy crap I'm way more depressed than I thought medicine that I keep in handy). I have been mildly suicidal. Don't Panic. Remember I talked about this before. MILD. No plans. Not gonna do anything. But idly thinking that it might be nice not to have to deal with all the things that make me overwhelmed and anxious and SAD. This was also what prompted the add-on of latuda. I will call Psych NP tomorrow. No, Monday. Teaching has royally sucked. I teach from my bedroom on a tiny desk. My students don't turn their webcams on, which is fine, but makes it eerie as I'm teaching to a list of names on the left side of my computer. I thought my asthma was twice as bad as it's ever been. Turns out I had bronchitis and probably had it for months. I can finally take a breath after just 2 days on antibiotics. I don't go anywhere but on a walk every day. EVERY DAMN DAY doesn't matter if I want to or not. It is my #mandatorycovidwalk. Sometimes I walk away from my house until I can stop crying and then I come back home. I live in a small house. Crying when my children are here seems like a Bad Plan. Also, I'm not sure if I cry here that I will be able to stop. Just because SAD. I still have a job. I am not sick. No one I know or love is sick. We are All Fine. And still, this sucks. It is tanking my mental health, and I sometimes am barely hanging on. I am so glad I am not doing this alone. My kids are doing pretty well, all things considered. I think it is hardest on my oldest. Next year he'll be starting his senior year. My school admin is awesome. I told her I needed to meet with her and she set aside a good chunk of time for us to talk. I didn't even have an agenda really. I just wanted her to know how anxious I was feeling about everything. It's what I would have done if we were in the building. And it was good to see her face. I am the only one who has an awesome haircut. And a dye job. I did both for myself the first week of isolation. I'll show you later. Unless I already did. Anyway. I am continuing to write. I'm working on a 4th book (2 are finished, 2 are in progress) on Wattpad. I have disconnected entirely from Facebook because no matter how my friends and family are reacting to this crisis, I don't think I can watch. But I have made some very good and supportive imaginary friends from all over the world. One of my bestest buddies is a Sami person from Lapland in the far north part of Finland beyond the arctic circle. They got me interested in K-Pop because of the books they are writing that I really love. I'm gonna be the beta reader for the final book. Super excited. Anyway, on February 22 I asked them what I should listen to if I wanted to be a fan of BTS. Now that's what I am. As you may know, I do nothing by halves. I am now full-on ARMY. BTS broke in as a hip-hop boyband. But their style has broadened and it's exactly what I need to listen to. The one at the end here is my anthem for covid. I'm learning it so I can sing it to my class when Things Go Back. (not to normal, but to something else) About 80% of my students are also fans. The other 20% pretend that they have never heard of BTS but are secretly fans anyway. I'm too tired to tell you the dosages of my meds. There are too many.
Oh-- I did/do have ulnar neuropathy from typing frantically seven hours a day for 10 days straight at a desk that was too tall. As a result I've been doing hand therapy (well, on my elbow, so I guess elbow therapy?) once a week AND taking
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |