The last two times that I was supposed to have a visit with my psychologist, not only was she sick... she had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. Which seems an awful lot like overkill just to get out of meeting with me.
Apparently the second time, when she realized she was going to miss my appointment again, she tried to get the to have them turn the ambulance around.
So I finally managed to see her this past week. She had a few things to say that I want to remember:
1. I have done a pretty good job of figuring out a way to make my life work out for me
2. In general I have become good at identifying problem and fixing it on my own
3. I need to work on making it okay for me to disappoint people
Number three is where I plan to be stuck for some time.
At my core is the people-pleasing part that believes that it is my job to live up to other people's expectations... to make them happy or proud or at the very least not disappointed.
Surrounding this people-pleasy center is the rest of me that routinely seeks out and calls attention to all the ways in which I am actively disappointing people right and left.
So my job seems to be figuring out that people can just suck it. Without being an ass about it. That's the tricky part for me. In what way can I decide that it is okay to disappoint people that does not involve believing that I can do whatever I want because it's good for me and to hell with everyone else.
Because these are kind of the examples I have. Martyrdom on the one hand and megalomania on the other. Exaggeration? Probably. We're talking about me, after all.
P.S. I discovered another binary description of my alternating poles.
When I am doing not so well people call me: "Oh, honey!"
When I am doing a little too well, people call me: "Are you for real?"
Today my students took their placement exam at the college during class. Typically our class runs from 9:15 to 11:15. Today it ran from 8:45 to 2:45.
Longish for me, but interminably long for them. The test was untimed. I just sat around waiting, writing, and attempting not to fall asleep.
Once returning home, I was predictably exhausted. Still pretty tired.
Note: forgot to take venlafaxine this morning. Taking it now. Have not refilled bupropion prescription. Need to go to Target and pick up the refills that are waiting for me.
Quaker, teacher, parent,