I made plans (sort of) for today but most of the day went counter to my expectations. Also, I felt that my mistakes or poor planning or poor communication led to this state of affairs. This made me feel grumpy and tired. So I took a nap. Which ate up even more of the day.
In the end we just dumped the nebulous plans for enforced family fun and relaxed in an unstructured way in the afternoon sun in my mom's backyard.
Which was far better than trying to squeeze in whatever unplanned activities we hadn't yet thought up with a bunch of tired and irritable people.
None of us got enough sleep last night. Too much carousing. Dinner and a movie for me and the spouse; a night at grandma's for the younger ones. We just aren't made for this kind of rock-n-roll lifestyle.
At one or two points in the day I did have a sinking feeling that I could do nothing right and that if I were not involved in the planning (or lack thereof) everything would be going swimmingly. But I subsequently dismissed those thoughts. Pretty much.
What is interesting to me is that as my Depression is less bad I seem to be spending more time thinking negative thoughts than I did before. Probably because when I was more Depressed my thoughts were: tired. must sleep. Now I am more lucid and more eloquent in my self-disparagement. Nice.
So here is the deal: I am not supposed to be perfect. Perfect people are hard to love, or even be around. Perfect people do not make good friends, parents, teachers or spouses. Perfect people make good martyrs. Since martyrdom is not my goal, I would say I am just about okay. Slightly imbalanced, but for the most part satisfactory.
And since I am perfectly willing to let everyone else make mistakes, I better make it okay for me to make mistakes too.
Also, the last thing I want to do is imbed the idea in the minds of my children that if they are not perfect I will not value them. Or that one mistake ruins the whole day or makes you a terrible person.
Gee when I say it that way it really does sound ridiculous. I should be nicer to me.
Grateful Crap: none of the things that happened awry today were really disastrous; tomorrow they will seem even smaller. My favorite quotation from the 2 year oldLMama, these moths are very disappointed."
took my meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion)
drank what must have been gallons of water
mostly stayed out of the heat
changed plans rather than go into a frenzy of activity to stick to an unrealistic time table for "fun"
Quaker, teacher, parent,