Naturally I am feeling the opposite of xenial. Which apparently means hospitable. Unless I am hospitable to anxiety and self-doubt and recriminations. Then I am plenty xenial.
There was a day recently where I was super tired for no reason and everything really irritated me. I struggled the entire day not to take a nap so that i would be able to sleep well at night.
Last night I was up until 4:00 am. I think. Something crazy like that. And today I am not tired. I'm only mildly concerned by this. I am not tired, but I do feel like crap, so I have that going for me.
Here is the litany of things that I am worrying about today:
Woke up and decided to try repairing the pocket door that leads to the children's bedroom. Before I did anything else. And it didn't work. Which meant that I became increasingly frustrated with the world in general and with the door in specific. Now I despair that the door will ever be repaired and my children will either be trapped in their room forever, or be forced to deal with an open doorway at all times.
Went to counselor person for younger son (anxiety) in which he became super anxious at the thought of doing relaxation exercise. So the counselor volunteered me to do the relaxation exercise. With a biofeedback thing measuring the temperature to my extremities. If I relaxed more, the temperature to my fingertips should theoretically go up. Naturally I was mildly relaxed at the beginning, I managed to get the temperature up a little bit... and then I STARTED WORRYING THAT I WOULD ACTUALLY BE MORE STRESSED AFTER THE RELAXATION EXERCISE THAN I WAS BEFORE. And the temperature went right back down. Ha. More proof of the ways in which my temperament and genetic contributions have doomed my children.
Failed to take my meds this morning-- instead taking them in the afternoon. Which I cannot blame for my tanking mood. Because I have taken them every day. Every day, every day, every day.
Have been super sensitive to smells and my allergies have been bothering me. So I went shopping and purchased all of the products that are designed to prevent pets from smelling up the house as well as all of the products designed to reduce allergens in the home.
My old cat is going to die. And as much as I keep saying and thinking horrible things about just waiting for the cat to die, I really am not looking forward to the actual occurrence. Bathed the cat today (see above smells comment) and determined that he is doing poorly. And now I have a really hard time not flinching when I look at him. Or making faces when I smell him. Which makes me a terrible pet owner. And a terrible person.
School schedule is screwed up-- this happens when collaborating between two or more different agencies. So now there will be some acrobatics involved in creating a working schedule. But it will be fine. It just proves my failure to plan. Or thinking that I had planned without confirming plans with all powers involved. But I thought we had things planned. So never mind.
Gave the entire family haircuts. And all of them have little bits of hair sticking up that I need to fix. Just a few. But they are the kinds of sticking-up hairs that make people say things like, "I'm sure glad we're not having family pictures taken this week." or perhaps, "You know, you could take them to get a real haircut."
Which shouldn't make me feel bad, because I am not, after all, a professional haircutter. Any more than I am a professional pocket door fixer. Or a professional cat geriatrician. I am a professional teacher, but not a professional administrator or scheduler. And it is a good thing i am not a professional parent, because I am pretty sure my pay would be docked.
Because I didn't take them to get their hairs cut earlier in the summer. And I didn't do anything fun with them because of my teaching schedule and other exigent circumstances. And I haven't done a good job of making sure that they help out with the daily clean. Or do their summer homework. Or do any piano or violin or play outside or solve the problem of conflict in the middle east. (They are very advanced.)
Found out that one of my uncles died.
I am a professional pugilist and spend a fair amount of time beating myself up. But don't worry. I am never down for the count.
started teaching again
my kids are really awesome (even if one is become a teena-jerk)
schedule will be sorted
ordered copy of not-too-trashy romance novel (final proof before submitting)
new boobies (or noobies) are healing nicely (semi-elective breast reduction)
blogged today. Need to blog more. Avoiding it as an excuse to avoid self-reflection. Because not so much liking the reflection of self at the minute. Once again, just wallowing for a time. No gigantic worriness necessary.
took my meds all the frickin' time
started walking up and down the 4 flights of stairs. Even kinda ran down them on Monday
Note: I have been out and about without a beaded cuff on and ALMOST didn't feel naked. But it wasn't on purpose and I still far prefer the weight of the deerskin beaded with seed beads snapped around my wrist. It is a visual reminder of my awesomeness.
Quaker, teacher, parent,