Today was a long day. And it is definitely work-related in its length. I teach 3 different classes. This is a full course load at my school; they are long classes.
In each of my 3 classes there is one (1) student (possibly two) that occupies most of the space in my brain that is trying to figure out what to do differently so that this one (or possibly two) students can have more success. And also not wreck everything for the rest of the class.
The complex problem in dealing with student behavior in one of my classes has now involved three teachers and the entire admin team. And I am not optimistic that anything will improve. Because I am being gloomy and doomy.
Do not feel clay-faced today. Just rather down. It even could feel like just a regular kind of down so long as it doesn't hang around for a long time.
But did just crawl into bed after school as i have done for the past three days. As an avoidance behavior. Didn't really nap. Just lay there with my eyes closed feeling my heart beat faster than it should while my mind raced and I tried to visualize good things happening in my classes.
Grateful Crap: fish sandwiches. Except I am not happy with fast food places that only serve fish sandwiches through Lent and then stop serving them but still have their big signs up advertising the existence of said sandwiches. And also still list them on their menu. But then tell you in their tinny scratchy intercom voice that they are no longer serving fish. And even though I just went to Easter stuff at my in-laws I forgot that means that Lent is done. (Not an important celebration for me. Except for fish sandwiches)
I think I am still on track to post daily for a while, but I don't remember.
meds 200 mg lamotrigine
Turns out I started to post yesterday but didn't finish it. And then something happened to the post so I had a thing sitting in my "drafts" folder but it was empty.
Probably it was something about being very confused about what might be happening at work to deal with a particular issue involving persistent student misbehavior.
Or maybe it was about bringing my younger boy to take a math entrance test at the U of M (for a middle school program that is super competitive to get in... 1 percent of the people who test are accepted. So we're not holding our breath) and watching a number of stage parents worrying over the performance of their children. It was like the nerd version of a beauty pageant.
i just asked my son if he had fun taking the test. And he said yes. The end.
Having a rainy Monday on a Tuesday. Storm squall of Sad. Angry sad. Not glass half empty. Glass all the way empty. Or no glass.
Already low reserves of... well anything... when dealing with Persistent Student Problem. Which kind of feels like it finished me off. Stone-faced, clay-faced walking through the rest of the day. Not animated. Not interesting. Not engaged.
Because I just focus on how unfair the situation is to the rest of the class that so many resources are going to this one student who doesn't give a flying F**k and has said as much multiple times.
Headache. Woke this morning with a stomachache and did not have breakfast. Had insufficient lunch. Did eventually remember to have caffeine. Will resist the idea that poor self-care is at all related to mental state.
Today I am relieved that I am co-teaching and that my co-teachers have greater emotional reserves. That is my grateful crap.
meds 100 mg lamotrigine (probably should raise that to the prescribed amount)
Maybe I should try to do a daily post for a while. We'll see. Right now I am having trouble typing so I am unlikely to really want to follow through with this.
I am feeling blah. bleh. blaw.
Got the very tired thing going on. But it feels more like mental tired. Not have any energy to deal with people (including and especially my children) and the thought of all the things that I have not made them do make me sad.
I felt like a failure as a pampered suburban stay-at-home housewife. Of course I have failed to be a pampered suburban stay at home housewife, so I guess that explains the feeling of failure.
But I regretted all of the experiences I have failed to provide for my children. And the fact that no one would look at my house or my clothes or my physical self with envy. I am not the Joneses that people are trying to keep up with.
I decided to enlist the help of the children in doing stuff. Making lists of things they should do so I don't have to remind them every day. They collaborated on one such list. I like it.
Before Thy Supper:
After Thine Supper:
Hand hurts. Eyes squinty. Need to reorder meds.
Grateful crap: my children (ye olde offspring)
having other people do things
It was a long and trying week before spring break. Now I am on spring break and I am quite relieved to have the reprieve. Thursday there was some excitement at school in which a student really amped up the disrespect and disruption and needed to be removed from the class.
It was not the sort of thing that would make for good drama on an uplifting made-for-tv drama. Some idiot just decided to act like a jerk and announce his general lack of self-control to the entire class while they were trying to take a test.
I managed to work off a lot of the adrenaline by volunteering to be the one to chase down an administrator by stalking the halls double-time.
I feel like I am a bit on the edge of anhedonia and/or the traditional spring hypomania. I was able to shake off the incident with the student in a way that seemed oddly healthy. I am not having negative emotional flashbacks to the incident. I am just mentally pissed off at the ordeal. Is it because I don't care that much (anhedonia) or because I am not anywhere near my Depressive phase and perhaps swinging toward manic?
I certainly have the energy levels.
I am trying hard not to tackle EVERyTHING while I am home alone during the week.
I have used my powers for good instead of evil to help a friend move.
Over weekend helped with a moving sale. Then to pick up furniture at IKEA. Then moved bed from her house to mine... so I could demolish aging and rickety bunkbed and replace with much more solid captain's bed.
My house is now full of half-built and half-demolished furniture. There is no room to stand. And I am not going to take care of it all right now today.
I am presenting something at my daughter's school tomorrow for Star of the Week. I am trying to remember that I am having a spring break and give my self a spring break. Ugh.
So I am going to take a little rest here and put my feet up and read, I think. Later today I'd like to write.
I missed seeing Psych NP in March. NOw I will have to see her in April. I had gotten discombobulated on my medication while daughter was in hospital. Threw all of my routines out of whack and missed a few days but I am not sure if the days were consecutive or how many days I actually missed (may have only been one or two)
But err on the side of caution. So I went back to a smaller dosage of lamotrigine (having to ramp up rather than risk a reaction) and I have remained at the lower dose so I can see if it is effective dosage for right now.
That way when I see her I can let her know.
Umm... I think that will be all.
Grateful Crap: respite
meds 100mg lamotrigine
not doing EVERYTHING
doing some things
Quaker, teacher, parent,