I feel like I am just about to go onstage before an audience of thousands to deliver a speech about something I am passionate about, but underprepared to address.
That's just the physical sensation in my body.
Or maybe it feels like I haven't had anything but caffeine and sugar for five days (which is not true).
Last night I was reading (because I am now obsessed with finding good stories on Wattpad and when I do I must read all things that that person has written)...
Anyway, I was reading and it was somehow much closer to 2 am than you might think. But I couldn't stop reading because I was in love with this character and I was getting a bit worried about him. He didn't seem like he was in a very good place.
And as I kept reading it became clear that he had some mental health crap going on.
And didn't want to go see his therapist
And he wasn't able to get enough sleep.
And he was really irritable and withdrawing from his partner
And his meds weren't working
And oh crap it turns out that he actually had bipolar II...
Even then I didn't get the hint and go to sleep. I had to finish reading. He's fine, by the way. I know you were concerned.
Yeah, he decided to quit the job that he hated, went in for some inpatient treatment, fixed his meds and then did not just remove himself from his lover's life like he was doing a big favor.
I sent Spouse to pick up my meds today. I'm going to take them now. I will see if the jittery goes away. I'm serious. It feels chemical.
I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON MEDS.
This is likely code for: I do not want to have bipolar disorder.
Here is my spring break project so far...
It is 12:36 pm and the first thing to cross my lips is bad coffee with two containers of nondairy creamer and a generous squeeze of honey. I just burned the roof of my mouth with a fresh beignet.
I need to pick up my prescription for lamotrigine today. It has lapsed. I don't know when. Okay, I know that I used up the last of the pills some time this last week, but it is spring break. And I am unhitched from time.
Also, my sleep schedule totally sucks.
One thing that was brilliant but I didn't happen upon it until a few days ago was to binge watch Gallatica with my teen (also on spring break) because this means that we both get up instead of remaining comatose throughout the day.
Damn, fresh beginets are delightful. I'm not sharing.
I feel jittery. I have for the past two or three days. It is a kind of jittery that I associate with meds in or not in my system. I wonder if this means I have not been compliant for longer than I think.
I'm still working on my YA novel. I had to scale back on the number of things the main character was involved in in high school because she was too busy to be part of my book. She wasn't even really based on me.
Then I made a list of all the things I did in high school and decided I would make a completely unbelievable character in a work of fiction:
Band, Choir, Chamber singers, Youth Orchestra, Odyssey of the Mind, Community Theater, Soccer, Private piano lessons, Private horn lessons, Private voice lessons, National Honors Society, part time job at a fabric store, co-wrote a one-act play, did freelance calligraphy for the Daytons and had a job as a church accompanist...
and in my spare time I just hung around with the fencing team.
I have, by the way, decided that Depression has great taste in people. Seriously. My friends who are dealing with Depression crap right now are some of the best people I know. (I guess I can be the best too.)
Already resent the time spent away from working on my fiction piece. Chapters 1-7 posted here (now in order).
Wanna do me a big favor? Read one or two of the chapters and then click on the star to vote at the bottom. Why? Because I accidentally voted for myself and I am the lone star on my piece and it makes me feel like a narcissist.
I haven't finished the book I'm writing yet.
I'm gonna give myself a break on that because it hasn't even been a month.
Things keep changing.
Yesterday I wrote at a coffeeshop across from elderboy and bounced ideas off him. Which was fun.
I think I'll try that again.
It is spring break.
A friend of mine is struggling, which sucks.
In fact, probably more than one of my friends is struggling. Which sucks more.
On a whim I'm putting a few chapters out while I'm still very much in progress.
Don't know why.
I guess that's why they call it a whim.
Quaker, teacher, parent,