(Ten points for figuring out which baby this is... time's up. It's eldest.)
Okay, on Saturday I went to a yarn shop for "small business Saturday" because I was knitting some mittens for the daughter. Lovely scandinavian mittens in purple and gray. With snowflake patterns on them.
I knit both mittens. I wove in all the ends. I finished a length of i-cord to string through her coat so they wouldn't get lost. THEN I noticed that I had made two left mittens. And I had run out of purple yarn.
Wrote down the directions, but left them behind. Got lost, called spouse, found the place. Realized that I had forgotten to bring a sample of the purple yarn AND they didn't carry the same brand anyway.
So I bought the closest I could remember. I was off. Oh well.
Forgot to take meds.
Saw a friend. She takes more meds than I do for a much wider variety of ills. I take back all my whining about my own pharmacy. She wins.
I so need to take pictures. I will go somewhere and do something and bring my camera. This is ridiculous.
Right. So I decided that with the rest of the weekend before me I would try to do something helpful for my mom. Like moving stuff around and sorting things in a relatively unused space.
I was going to do just a little sorting.
Have I not met me?
It remains to be seen if I was helpful (meaning actually of help) or "helpy" (which is how we refer to the kind of help that isn't so helpful; but it was supposed to be).
I think this was the day that I took my meds in the afternoon and then set the pill minder on the edge of the counter. Where it fell off. And broke.
I realize that I do not take pictures from November through... May. Something like that. I should change that. I wonder if it has to do with seasonal Depression stuff or if it just gets busy or cold or... I don't know.
This picture was taken in November some years ago. Mr. Brocccoli Head was a table ornament at the oldest son's birthday dinner. At his request. Lovely and edible. Or something.
Thankful for a bunch of crap. Spent the day with family. Ate far too much good food. Really awsome bread. Shocked my sis-in-law by eating turkey. I do that sometimes (eat turkey, not shock sis-in-law).
I call myself "vegetarian" becuase it is much easier to say than:
I mostly eat a vegetarian diet (mostly for squeamish reasons but also for sustainability reasons and environmental footprint... but mostly for squeamish reasons).
...But I eat fish (ever since living in Japan twenty-some years ago and discovering that I couldn't eat anything in Japan without eating fish; and since I liked fish I decided to continue eating it from time to time but since my spouse does not eat fish I don't often prepar it at home.)
...And sometimes I eat turkey (since pregnancy eleven years ago when I found it difficult or impossible to get the 100 grams of protrein recommended by my midwife on a veggie/fish diet. Because pregnant people aren't supposed to have too much mercury. And I don't eat chicken because I promised a chicken I met in Africa.
I suppose I could just say: I don't eat red meat, pork or chicken. But really it is that I eat veggies, fish and turkey. Which just sounds mad, but there you have it. More than you ever wanted to know about my odd and nonsensical eating habits.
Fairly certain that I migth have taken my meds this day.
Whaat! (see that bird whipping its head around in amazement so fast that it's a blur?) Yup. I spent the Thanksgiving break dog-sitting for my mom. Doesn't she have the Internet? Yes. But I didn't bring my computer and I sort of on purpose decided not to post.
Started feeling more and more like a sinus infection. So when I eventually call my doctor to schedule the blood pressure thing (okay I will call tonight once I am caught up on posts) I can have them check that out too. Blech.
I had high blood pressure during my pregnancy. Super high toward the end. It was some inhuman reading that I wasn't even sure was possible. I will find out the next time I go see my doctor. Following the birth of daughter, my blood pressure remained high for a while and they kept me on some blood pressure medication.
Eventually it returned to normal. It is my preference to manage blood pressure without medication. I am all for providing big pharma with a healthy livelihood and I am not going to deny myself better living through chemistry... but enough is enough. I draw the line at allergies, asthma and Depression.
Took meds in the morning probably.
On Tuesday last (the backdated 11/26/13 above) I complained bitterly of the return of The Headache. This hit me Monday afternoon and I crashed early (thus, no post).
I complained bitterly to a friend who happens to be a CMA who said, "What's your blood pressure?" I didn't know. "Sit down." OK. It was 146 over 104. "Would you like to use my phone to call your doctor?"
I called and they said that the lower number could certainly be headache-inducing. And said that I should schedule an appointment some time in the next two weeks to have it checked out. I hung up on the scheduling nurse because I had to get to work. I still have not scheduled.
(Shhh. It's already almost a week later and I don't want last week's me to find out that I haven't followed up yet.)
So this day I was also super tired and crashed. Thus, no post.
Pretty sure I took my meds in the morning.
Pretty sure I took my meds this day. Catching up on a week of delinquency. Some planned.
If I could have scripted today I probably would have done a terrible job and had a bunch of things go horribly (and hilariously) wrong. Because that is just they way I think.
However, what happened instead was that I got a chance to sleep in. Then I went to meeting where I asked that my almost-three-year-old come in to meeting with the rest of the preschoolers.
I was dreadfully nervous. Not because I thought she would do anything horrible. But because I know that when she says things in a regular voice (for all to hear) it is not always recieved favorably.
In that way when she speaks in meeting it is like every other message. They aren't all meant for everyone. And people get very different things out of the same vocal ministry (or lack of vocal ministry).
I was dreafully nervous because I really wanted things to go just right. And I didn't have a clear idea of what that would mean.
For a perfectionist, not knowing how to define what "just right" means is surprisingly stressful.
Would it be best if my children were silent, smiling angels? Would it be best if they started to be squirrely but were quickly cowed into subservience with a stern look from me? Would it be best if they comported themselves to the best of their abilities and didn't pretend to feel things they didn't feel? Would it be best if they just stayed home and I went to early meeting? Or if they were there but nobody noticed them? Seen but not heard?
It turns out here is what was the best...
One child was angry-- so he scowled silently. This was fine becuase I knew he was angry and I did not want him or expect him to pretend that he was not angry. He did not, however, cause any kind of scene. He was just quietly, contempletively seething about my unreasonable parental stance on the appropriate level of noise.
One child chose not to bring a book with him. He sat silently and thought about stuff. He managed to stop tapping his foot audibly against the floor without my saying anything or even glancing meaningfully in his direction.
The youngest one came in later with her class. She said some things in a loud voice. Things like, "I'm going to do this now." or "I made a T" as she drew in her notebook with a pen. Her older (not angry) brother brought his head down to her level and told her to whisper. Which she did.
There were several bouts of this... she would say something out loud and then whisper it. But unlike when she was just barely two, now she has much greater control and understanding of how to modulate her voice. "Whisper" actually means something tangible and concrete.
She sat on the same chair with her older brother. He put his arm around her shoulder.
When newcomers were asked if they wanted to introduce themelves I asked if she wanted to introduce herself to the meeting. Because she has not regularly been in the meeting room since last spring. And I want her to be known.
Naturally when I stood with her and asked if she wanted to tell people her name, she whispered it.
And after meeting I felt very welcomed by the warm responses of so many friends. I often feel like I belong, but today I felt like my whole family was welcome.
Thank thee, F/friends.
Grateful Crap: my fantastic faith community
took meds (but not until after meeting. I felt an electric jolt during worship when I remembered I hadn't taken them)
went to meeting
My personal (and long-time) obsession has been with how to make sure that children are included as members of our faith community.
My new issue is figuring out how not freak out at the thought that some people might not have welcoming feelings about children due to the sounds they make during meeting. It is the thoughts that cause me angst-- my own thoughts-- and not any recent occurances.
I know that there is not some grand conspiracy of people who sit around waiting for my children to cause some sort of disturbance. I also know that children's noises are not the only thing that people find irritating.
People are disturbed by...
I realized that I am guilty of this too.
After all, I want people to be all warm and fuzzy and welcoming of squirming, wiggling, fidgety, sometimes obnoxious children. I want people to be aware of the developmental stages of childhood and not expect age-innappropriate behavior from our youngsters.
All of this started me thinking about what a selfish way this is to look at worship. Who made me the dictator of my own communal worship experience?
And if we are supposed to be ministers one to another, shouldn't I be focused (during worship) more on the needs of all those who are present and not just my own needs?
I think I had it backwards. Instead of thinking about what meeting can do for me, I should think about what I can do for the meeting. I don't mean this in a self-deprecating way. More in a generous, sharing of the spirit way. I have just been trying to suck the light towards me. As a sort of spiritual anti-depressant.
If I were more concerned with how I can contribute to the quality of worship instead of being stuck on the idea that I am just sitting in meeting to get what I need... wouldn't that be a better way to look at it? That yes, sitting in worship is good for me and I need it, but that my presence is necessary for other people too.
So now I am ready to do more. And it might look just the same. I might still sit in the same pew facing the same way and say or not say the same things that I would have before, but my focus will be less inward.
My faith community needs me.
Grateful Crap: tea with my mom
took meds in the morning (150mg sertraline, 450mg bupropion)
spent time with family
posted before 9pm :)
When I miss a post because I am too tired to stay awake I feel guilty. When I miss a post because I was engaged in things that are moving me in the right direction I don't feel bad at all. Okay, only a little bad.
I technically could have posted in the brief interval when the daughter was sleeping, but I chose to load the dishwasher and make gluten-free soda brea instead. I stand by this choice.
I could also have chosen to post after nine pm, but I am going to stand firm that posting after 9 sucks me into INTERNETLAND and then I don't escape until 1:30 am. So instead I relaxed, and finished knitting mitten #1 (Scandinavian knitting in purple and gray for the daughter)!
Here is how I spent the rest of the day (and now I am just showing off because I finally had a normal day after a week of crap)...
My proudest accomplishment: grocery shopping. I went and purchased actual vegetables and other real ingredients from a store. This is an act of great optimism. It means I am believe that I will have the energy to make actual edible items from said ingredients. It means I can contemplate imagining what to make. That I will not just stare at the clock and burst into tears when I realize it is six pm and I have no idea what we might be able to eat. That I will be able to muscle through whatever whining there might be about the introduction of new foods or unfamiliar recipes. I will not cave in to the lobbying efforts of the Pasta Party (who supports a policy of all mac and cheese all the time).
I also went over to a friend's house and helped declutter and clean her house. This tickled me for several reasons. #1: she is a professional cleaner/declutterer on behalf of others. It is truly a case of the shoemaker's children going barefoot. #2: my house is a messy, cluttereed disaster. Which made it feel like the pot helping the kettle remove the soot.
It is sooooooo much easier to tackle clutter in someone else's home. It doesn't come heaped with the same amount of guilt and self-recrimination. It just feels good. Why don't people have decluttering swaps the same way they do childcare swaps? I guess it would be a lot more complicated. And stressful. And intimate. And possible excrutiating. Nevermind.
I take back everything I have ever said about medicine not being magic.
Within twenty-four hours of being back on all the appropriate medications I was back to fully-functional me. Kind of freaky, actually. However, it does seem to indicate that the medications are having the desired effect. It will serve to remind me that when I start feeling crappy I can bear in mind that medication levels may be a factor. I had a tendency to belittle my own Depression. To minimize it. To brush it off. To think that maybe the medication does nothing more than a sugar pill and my brain just makes up its own solution... lies. All lies. The medication is doing a bang-up job, it is necessary, and I do need it.
Grateful Crap: friends. one in particular. or two or three others in particular. no, scratch that... friends.
took meds in the morning: 150mg sertraline, 450mg bupropion
purchased and consumed fruits and vegetables
got nuts to snack on instead of SUGAR
ate better than I have in some time
spent time with friend
Sew eye did knot goe two chaina and joyn thys band. Eye did goe praktiss wyth Grand Simfonik Winds that travled two chaina tue yeers agoe. And wen eye kaym home yt wuz to layt two post.
Eye deesided yt wuz betr two sleep then yt wuz two post. Bullee fer mee. Sew eye slept. Yt wuz a buzy dey but sints gowing bak on the rite meds eye fellt much betr. More lyke me!
Long dae. Gud dae. Eye whent to the why and ecksersized. Eye tawt. Eye rid the garadge uv too lardge eyetems that eye did not yuze. Eye tawt. Eye playd in the band. Eye nit. Eye slept. Yt wuz a gud dae.
Grateful Crap: I suppose I am grateful for standard spelling, but really it doesn't make much sense to me.
took meds in the morning (150 mg sertraline, 450 mg bupropion)
went to the ymca - 45 minutes on elliptical trainer
emptied out more things from garage
Quaker, teacher, parent,