I’m doing OK with my summer schedule. However, I’m not getting as much stuff done as I really should be.
I’m watching a lot of soccer, which is fun. I’m doing a lot of writing, which is also fun. But I haven’t planted any of my plants in the garden, which makes me feel too guilty to go outside.
I wake up in the morning and either take elder boys swimming, or start writing. If I take him swimming, I guess I’m also writing.
my plan is to see at least one adult person that I like besides spouse per week. This week I’m going to see soccer with my mom.
Hoping to schedule something with friends in the coming weeks.
My new med seems to be doing pretty well. I don’t feel that I am Depressed or Zippy.
I am not eating appropriately. I am having a lot of sugar that is not around me during the school year. I’m trying to exercise every other day, when elder boy has swimming at night.
Younger boy left for China today. And the daughter will be going to a sleep away camp for two weeks. We seem to be outsourcing our children this summer. I wonder where we can send elder boy.
1.5 mg vraylar (don’t know real name so this is brand name)
300 mg lamotrigine
I am celebrating Pride month this year really for the fist time since college. I'm currently in a race to finish my second LGBT teenfiction book in June as part of a pride celebration on Wattpad. I am involved in some queer book clubs in my writing on Wattpad. But I don't know why. Well, what I mean by that is I don't know why this year of any year is one that I chose to write LGBT fiction. I don't know why this year Pride means more to me. There was no inciting incident.
I just finished watching Eugene Yang's "I am Gay" and it got me thinking about the reasons people have for coming out or "staying in." And I think in a lot of ways it mirrors the decision on when, whether or not, and to whom I disclose my bipolar disorder. Because it is easy for me to pass. Most people have no idea unless I tell them.
Of course, one could argue that I am out to THE WHOLE WORLD as a person living with bipolar disorder since this is a 100% public blog and I am easily findable.
Why did I decide to come out as bipolar? Because I want people to know that this is one of the ways that bipolar people may present. I have a nice life and a family and a job and friends. I am not "crazy." I want to represent.
I am forty-seven years old. I am a public school teacher. I live in a cute little house that used to have an honest-to-god white picket fence. I have one husband and three children. I have been in a traditional, awesome, monogamous marriage for twenty four years.
And I am and have always been bisexual. But not out.
I never saw a reason to be out because my life is so hetero and it is easy to pass and it just seems like over-sharing and narcissistic to tell people that I am bisexual.
Actually I took so long to come out there are other terms that might fit me better but I still consider myself bi. (Some of the younger folk would probably describe me as demisexual and biromantic according to the current lingo, but I could be completely off-base here. I'm sticking to what I know.)
I guess I'm not really "in." Because I have been out to some people since I found out myself (kind of late) when I was in my twenties. I'm pretty sure some people knew before I did. I'm out to mostly friends and kind of some family. I guess since some of my family read this they might know now too.
I'm not a viral video star and I don't have any sort of big platform that will make a difference to anyone. Not really. I'm not some role model that people look up to. But I just thought that I would mention the fact that I am not straight. I am invisible--because I am in a long-term, monogamous, heterosexual relationship--but I am not straight.
Also, I think it is really funny that I am bi, bi, bi: bipolar, bisexual and binary (female).
This may be the most cowardly bellow-the-fold, burying-the-lead way of coming out, but there you have it. Ever wonder if you were friends with a bisexual brunette with bipolar disorder? Yup. Pleased to meet you.
Pressing POST. yikes.
I like to write. I like to edit. I am terrified of getting feedback, which is exactly what I need in order to edit. I have just invited several people I know and trust, a few people I really don't know (but I know their moms), and six complete strangers to give me feedback on my first book.
Thus: living in terror.
Now, I want this book to belong in the wider world. Eventually when it has grown up from being just a baby book in its newness... I would like to see if I can get it published.
I want to be comfortable with having anyone reading it. I'm not really there yet. I'm afraid that someone will read it and think to themselves, "What a load of horse hockey." And then I will trash the whole thing in a fit of pique.
Here's the thing. Everyone's writing is horse-hockey to someone.
The danger of being a people pleaser is in wanting to change everything to suit everyone. I will not. There are things I know I like about my book that I will not change. Like who the characters fundamentally are.
I have this tendency to write what my professors referred to as, "Lovely, Canadian novels."
I am neither lovely, nor Canadian, so who knows why that is happening. Ha. The upshot is, I write books with careful prose, memorable characters, and no plot.
I'm not sure why I am anti-plot.
I enjoy reading things with a plot.
I am overthinking everything.
I need to think of feedback like I think of partners in Aikido. Not like it is pleasant to get thrown on the floor, but you need to do that in order to practice. And without your partner, you can't practice. So you are grateful to them for being willing to throw you on the floor.
Of course in Aikido you take turns.
I so badly want to write at the moment, but mere 5 yards away from me there are three preteens fighting over a phone and arguing about which boy they should or should not stalk on insta. And they are soooooo loud. If I try to write all that will come out on the page will be
Oh yeah, he said... and then she said... give me the phone... omg I said something about Eddie... wait you live by me? I'm going to your school next year. What did you tell him about me.
And the SQUEEEEEEAAAALS. The screams! The giggles.
This is exactly what my friends and I were like. I'm pretty sure. So loud. So giggly. So squeal. I drive me nuts.
I can't escape because I am waiting here while elderboy is having his interview. But I am very crabby about them. None of them have anything to do with me.
I have written one book and put the first draft on Wattpad.
I've had readers in US, Canada, Russia, Germany, France, Spain, Argentina. Nigeria, Australia, Malaysia, Thailand, India, the Netherlands, the Philippines... which is pretty cool.
I'm also in a couple of book clubs so other writers will be reading my stuff.
I am writing book two on Wattpad as well.
The goal is to complete this by the end of June (for Pride Month). So I am writing a lot.
I started taking a new med about a month ago. It is like lurasidone, but doesn't make me a zombie. I still have not researched it. Vraylar. It is approved (allegedly) for bipolar mania and bipolar Depression. I was more on the manic side this spring, so that's partly why I have written 1.5 books since April.
I am a little worried that I'm running into writer's block, but I think what I am actually running into is preteen girls and the Women's World Cup. The game today between Brazil and Australia! Right.
Yougerboy leaves for China next week. Oh no, the girls moved closer. There is only one small lobby here and I need to wait for Elderboy. I can relocate a little bit. We'll see if that helps at all. Oh... I also have my ear plugs but I don't think they work for the specific frequency of preteen girl.
Ahhhh... they left. So now I will abandon you for the project that is eating part of my brain (but not the whole brain because I am not manic.)
Quaker, teacher, parent,