Wow... I feel like I have nothing to say. That could be fine. I mean nothing is terrible. Things seem fine. That's good, right? I haven't seen my friends for a while (other than my school friends--I'm lucky to have those).
Now I'm trying to write while the daughter is singing a song about Chinese Zodiac. It is surprisingly difficult to focus on what I'm typing in English even though I can't understand the Chinese.
Okay, now I'm not even gonna try.
Still writing. Have found a nice community of writerly folks. They are supportive and awesome. Which is nice.
Daughter wants to be an editor when she grows up. That's cool. Elderboy thinks physics is cool. Youngerboy is all about math right now, but that's becuase he's doing some crazy program at the University.
I am not making any predictions about future studies or occupations based on current interests. Not even for Elderboy.
I'm just making myself write this so I don't wonder what the heck happened to me in late January. Nothing. I was just fine.
I do have to call the pharmacy to see about a possible recall of one of my meds. They called me. Now I need to follow up. Which I have not done.
Right. Brain being eaten by Chinese New Year songs. Must go now.
300mg lamotrigine (possibly contaminated)
I haven't been writing here a lot, but I have been writing regularly on my fiction WIP (work in progress). I would like to use the sewing/knitting term and call it a UFO (Unfinished Object). It's both. Completely outside my regular realm of writing. It's superhero stuff.
And it's fun to write. I mean, I love superhero stuff. I have read A LOT of X-men comics. And I love me the superhero movies.
I read a lot of everything, I guess. I've been READING. Which is cool, because for a while, I wasn't really. I can hardly keep track of my serial obsessions sometimes.
Right now, it's READING works on Wattpad written by people that I interact with on the writers' forums. They are all amazingly talented and really cool people. So that's fun.
And also making myself write at least one chapter per week on my WIP. That isn't so much fun. It isn't writing itself the way my slice-of-life teenfiction novels did. Largely because while I was a teen, I have never been a superhero.
I struggle while participating in the online bookclubs because when we are randomly paired... sometimes the other persons work is... crappy. Unfocused. Ungrammatical. And they think that my work needs more explosions and incest (okay, maybe not... but that it needs more EXCITEMENT right away. And it's just not that kind of book).
So I'll get comments from them like: Good Grammar. Nice Spacing. Easy-to-read font. Because that's all the good they can see in mine.
And then I have to struggle to find what to say to them... because they don't have good grammar, nice spacing... and the font is pre-chosen by Wattpad!
I have gotten great feedback from people who read my book by choice... people who are reading in their chosen genre. I may just not enjoy the online bookclubs.
Now that I've found the forums, that might be my preferred method of interacting with other authors. I'll hang out in my current bookclub for a while.
In February I plan to participate in the Open Novella Competition, which should be fun. I will never do Nanowrimo--which is when you have to write a full-length novel in November. That would kill me. Not literally. But November is not a good time for me to be devoted fully to writing.
The nice thing about ONC is that it lasts for 3 months and the work cannot be any longer than 40,000 words.
Regular life seems fine. I think.
10 mg fluoxetine
I've been panicking a little bit (mostly just a normal-person-amount of panic) about some changes at work. Because change is always bad. Ha.
And I met with my admin. who essentially just allayed all my manufactured fears and now I mostly feel better.
EXCEPT she said "You're so lucky that I understand." Meaning that because she has experience with mental health crap--particularly anxiety and depression--she has no trouble understanding my reactions. And because she understands, I am very candid with her.
I guess another staff member dealing with Depression came to her and was afraid of losing their job due to Depression-related issues. She told them she understood and asked how she could help. Because she is awesome that way.
Then I started overthinking things... what did she mean by "you're so lucky." Did she mean that if I didn't have such an understanding admin I'd lose my job? Or that people would think I was a bad teacher?
Do other people think I'm a bad teacher? Or a defective person? Because of my mental health crap?
Do the mentor-teachers talk about me in some bad way? Are they the ones who don't understand? Most of the time I just want to be a mental-health crusader and make them understand that bipolar people can have regular lives and be kick-ass at their jobs.
Because let me tell you... I hold it together in class. I don't have anxiety issues in front of students (with the single exception of a classroom-observation involved incident, but my co-teacher gave me a graceful exit and I don't think it was noticeable to the students. Really.) And I don't cry during class.
I'm a kick-ass teacher. And my admin knows this. And so do I. Mostly.
Okay. Done overthinking.
Right now I am meant to be writing my fiction novel. Which elder boy has started reading. And it's a work in progress... so he is anxious for me to continue! That's pretty cool.
10 mg fluoxetine
300 mg lamotrigine
Yup. Survived 2019. And it wasn't so bad, really. A few bouts of pretty bad Depression. I'm still in kind of a funk, honestly.
Just realized that I haven't written here since November, so it's probably About Damn Time.
I STILL have not called my psych NP after
All of these are things that would have been given her blessing--but she likes to be informed. And I did not inform her. Now I'm back to what her charts say I'm taking.
Had REALLY BAD HEADACHES throughout winter break and did some poking around and came to the conclusion that my headaches were Depression related.
This is not well-researched. I just picked around and found articles like this: Morning Headaches Linked to Depression
I also spotted one (that I now can't find) that suggested these Depression headaches were often a problem during holidays and on weekends due to the different stressors that these unscheduled times can have.
I got the chance to see most of my family members--all the ones who are in town plus some awesome ones from Indiana. That was nice. I meant to spend some time with friends. Meant to write more. Meant to clean the house.
Instead? I didn't bathe, ate one meal a day and binge-read poorly-written teen fiction on Wattpad. Why? No one can say.
I have obviously MAJORLY slacked off on my blogging here. I have been writing regularly, though.
I've written 2 YA LGBT novels on Wattpad (you can find them under KGBuchanan should you be so inclined).
I've been involved (and still am) in some online writing groups. Connecting with other writers is frightening and good and irritating and helpful and no good whatsoever.
And now I'm working on a super-hero novel (link below). With another idea in the works for YA slice of life.
I'm trying to learn how to use Twitter as an author. Which means I need to think of myself as an author.
In between this I'm trying to be a good teacher and good parent and good Quaker. Ha.
Mostly I just feel like I'm a little bit drowning and a lot numb. Emotions still not really going anywhere beneath the surface level.
I'm gonna stop checking in now.
10 mg fluoxetine
Quaker, teacher, parent,