Went to watch son’s robotics competition in loud stadium (with earplugs) and got all hyped up on cortisol.
Then had vast quantities of sugar and caffeine.
Then spent hours semi-comatose and binge-watching Person Of Interest in a dark room by myself.
Then decided not to take medicine that makes me super tired.
Because I wanted to stay up late and bead. And because I feel sad and don’t want to go to sleep.
I haven’t been awake at midnight for a long time.
I have missed these wuiet hours. But they are sad and a little lonely.
spoke, cried and sang in meeting today.
Did not know I was sad until I started to speak.
We are teaching about semi permeable membrane’s in biology right now. I started thinking about the value of having a thin but powerful layer that protects you from the outside world.
The semi permeable membrane thoughtfully lets things in like connections with other humans.
Helpfully keeps things out like other people stresses and things that really shouldn’t concern you.
And then for its best trick of all, it helps to hold the good things inside and only helps you eliminate the things you don’t need.
I don’t have that. I have a hard shell. If I let anything in, I have to let everything in. It makes it hard to connect. It makes it hard to express myself.
I can’t stay closed inside forever. I have to make openings with my hard show. I have to let things in and out. But when I do that, I do so unprotected. I am vulnerable to everything and have no filter.
It is scary. It is not safe. I don’t like it.
I wanted this to be a coherent message. It was a message, I knew that because my heart pounded in my hands shook while I waited to accept the unwanted microphone.
instead I began by crying, I proceeded crying, and I finished crying.
I had a song inside (didn’t even know what it was) that needed to come out but I was too sad. So I sat down again.
After someone else spoke, this song made its appearance. So even though it goes against protocol for one person to deliver two messages at meeting, my message came as part two.
And I sang loud.
Seems like the overall level of mood is lifting. Even in the Downs there are good and bad moments. The weather.
fewer crying jags. One day at work having trouble making eye contact, but only until I started teaching.
I love my job.
I don’t love taking lurasidone yet. It makes me feel oddly sluggish and super tired . Which I suppose should be fine but it feels weird. And unpleasant.
daylight savings time starts. Maybe this zombie drug will help with that transition.
nade a new cuff with stylized norepinephrine molecule. It is comfortable.
talked with a friend about how maddening it is to try and tease out what parts of me are “symptomatic” and she raised an interesting point: does it matter?
Tired comes on fast now, like a locomotive. So signing off.
200 mg lamotrigine
20 mg lurasidone
I spent yesterday at home with all three of my children also did not have school due to a late winter ice storm.
I spent the day sitting on my bed beading a new cuff that has designs to represent the norepinephrine molecule.
It’s a neurotransmitter. It’s one that I don’t have enough of. So I figure if I have a few extra on my wrist and they’re really giant maybe that will help.
all I want to do is bead.
what pattern does this follow? What mood state am I in when all I want to do is bead?
My coworker that I jokingly refer to as my “workplace accommodation” is going through some rough times now
which means I need to not rely on her since she needs to be able to lean on me.
luckily I have a deep bench at work. Back up supports. And even if I don’t need anything in particular from anyone, knowing that they are there is a comfort.
Stronger than comfort.
Picked up lurasidone to start officially today. No more bupropion after reviewing my history since it fizzled out before.
I feel wrung out. Physically drained. Tired to the point of tears.
i have spent all day wanting to bead and now that I am home and could do so... I haven’t the strength to pick up a needle nor sight to guide the thread.
when people ask how I’m doing I tell them how my coworker is doing. Which is not what they are asking.
But it is what I am worried about now. That I need to be stronger than I am... not even so I can be a support for her... but so I am not just another thing she needs to take care of.
I am sad.
cuz there is the pressure of being Perfekt and I’m so obviously not.
and then the trap of seeing your children as way more part of you than they actually are.
like their mistakes are my mistakes.
their troubles are my troubles.
i should have made different decisions but I didn’t and now I feel like
Monstrous Parenting Failure
welcomed home elderboy by unloading all my parental stress over my not being more proactive still with academic organization
which is not my natural strength either but I figured it out enough to get good grades and keep a job so I’m making it all about me.
now I am never going to leave my room because I don’t want to make more mistakes.
especially when your offspring exhibit symptoms too.
The others loosed the cables, and coming aboard themselves took places at the pins. A favorable wind clear-eyed Athene sent, a brisk west wind that sang along the wine-dark sea.
So if I am waking on a Saturday and searching Homer for references to Athene clear-eye, Athene with the flashing eyes, grey-eyed Athene...
It is because I feel clear of eye. And somewhat sharp if mind. Yesterday I even put together a brainstormed proposal for a class... which takes the kind of creative leaps and academic connections my sluggish Depressed brain cannot hope to make.
Now is when I have to fight the urge to look back and pull myself down over all the things I did not do when the Deoression was at its most acute.
I was able to take care of me. And (mostly) stuff at work. No extras. No art. No photographs. No carting my children around to their extras.
I am not under the delusion that I am out of the Depressed woods yet. And we all know this is the gift that bipolar will keep on giving. But this morning, and much of yesterday (except toward the end) I feel more my able self.
I am on day 3 on lurasidone that my psych NP has me keep on hand for treatment of acute Depressive episodes.
I think it has helped my brain course-correct. But I hope not to be on it long term. I wasn’t last time. Summer 2016 I was on for about 1 month and just kind of let it run out. And things stYed fine so psych NP sAid I could stay off unless needed.
One thing I don’t like is that it knocks me out. Very drowsy. Almost like I’m coming out of general anasthesia.
Also it needs to be taken with 350 calories. So I either eat it with dinner and become a zombie (nearly fell asleep during band 2 hours after taking it on thursday) or I eat a giant before bed snack.
Called psych NP re meds but she rang back on my never used home number. Will talk on Monday. She played continued use of lurasidone but I will run out on Monday.
Hoping it’s not like Flowers for Algernon. I like being able to think.
200 mg lamotrigine
29 mg lurasidone
Quaker, teacher, parent,