I didn't mention it in yesterday's post, but my choice of seats upon relocating myself to a different pew at Quaker meeting prooved to be somewhat problematic. In my new seat I was facing the place where my friend who chose to end her life sat. Where she sat next to her husband and they would hold hands. I found myself missing him dreadfully and with a sharper pang than I expected. I wanted him to sing. I wanted to hear "How can I keep from singing" (which I for the life of me cannot ever remember). I remembered him coming to talk to my babies. And how calm I felt when I was with him. And I kept telling myself not to think about either of my elderly, departed friends. Not to remember how she had seen patterns in the wood grain where the sunlight hit the floor. Not to remember his assertion that my boy would be a minister, or that he had such a lovely tenor-- because my child would sing happily through "silent" meeting. Not to remember her stubborn individuality. Her immovable nature. Her calm decision to end her life that will never sit well with me. And I cried silently throughout worship. So here we have another chicken-egg situation. I feel emotionally crappy. Is it because I wallowed in sorrow? Or did my sorrow appear because I had some sort of downturn? There were many things that were easier when I lived an unexamined life. Today I spent much unproductive time thinking how horrible I am as a parent because:
Crappy clay-faced morning. Hopefully better later. Grateful CraP; Equatorial Actions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamotrigine) 20 minutes of tap; but it felt uninspired There seemed to be an awful lot of bickering. And much wailing and gnashing of the teeth. Sackcloth and ashes. WHY do we have to go to Quaker meeting EVERY WEEK. Because that's what we do. That's not a reason. There are some decisions that you don't get to make. No there aren't. You can't tell me what to do. This, Quakers will tell you, is an excellent way to prepare for Meeting for Worship (sarcasm added liberally here at author's discretion). The bickering continued in the car, when all three children were being nasty to one another. When I sat in meeting, I chose the pew where I usually sit. I like to sit in the pews because they are low enough that my feet touch the ground. And they don't cut off circulation to my legs. Which is a bonus. Shortly after this, a fellow parent came to sit beside me. OH CRAP. Now his son, who is friends with my son, is going to sit right here for the last 15 minutes of worship. And it will be a disaster because they will get the giggles and they will crawl around and everyone will look at me disapprovingly and I will be lectured on how poorly behaved my children are and that they serve as an example to the entire community of how NOT to behave in meeting. Can you tell I have a little residual anxiety over this issue? I also thought that if I got up and moved it would seem rude. Like I don't want to sit by the parent. So I sat. Until my worry spiral got big enough that it threatened to escape and whisk other people into its path. I realized that there was not way I would be able to focus on worship unless I moved. The punchline: 8yo AND his friend came to sit by me. And they giggled. And they squirmed around. But the only sound audible to people across the room was the 3yo who kept saying in a piercing stage-whisper: "You need to be quiet!" Grateful Crap: Equatorial Actions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamotrigine) hmm... maybe that's it. oh: went to meeting talked to people attended support-committee for a F/friend Schedule for the day: teach, walk home, sleep the rest of the day, attend open house, sleep. Lame. Not sure if I should be cutting myself some slack because of lingering hacking cough or if I should be kicking myself in the butt to get going. Once again the ever-popular gameshow: Dprssion or Virus? (Can I buy an E?) And did one cause the other. And which way. And does it matter. I think I get points for not avoiding the open house, though. Because even though I knew it would be a social event with much small talk and filled with People I Do Not Know, I went anyway. I did fix the dryer at some point in the recent past. And now we have many lovely piles of folded and unfolded clothes. And the cotton terrycloth towels no longer feel like sandpaper after being dried on the line. Grateful Crap: working dryer; absence of cigarette smoke Equatorial Actions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamotrigine) time outside 30 minute walk social crap I have not been eating well. Fewer scheduled meals. More snacky-type things. I was the last parent to pick up my child from preschool. Mind you, I was not late. The last of the children (besides the daughter) was just making her way down out the door as I arrived.
The daughter had hidden so well and so carefully in her cubby that the teacher didn't notice she was there. Until she starting crying when everyone else was gone. That's when I walked in. One of those mother-of-the-year moments. I felt like a felon. A neglectful parent. A potential threat to children everywhere. Because I was the last parent. Perhaps this was an overreaction. If she had not been hiding in the cubby, she would have been given a special job by the teacher and everything would have been fine. But she likes to jump out and scare me when I come to pick her up. This must have been the day that I took the daughter to the playground right by the school bus stop. I felt totally lame sitting on a park bench in the shade while my daughter ran around on the playground equipment. But then I didn't feel lame because she found a little person to play with and they figured out which things needed two people (like the teetery-tottery-like-thing) and helped each other out. I was super exhausted after this and rested. I had made pizza dough, but I was too tired to even think about making pizza. In fact I was sound asleep while the pizza making happened. Grateful Crap: public parks and warm autumn weather Equatorial Actions: took meds - 150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 100mg lamotrigine time outside yup. that's it. Thought I was just tired from my tap lesson last night. But fever and cough are back. Crap. Even with inhaler I am pretty wheezy. Gurgle. Gross. Maybe more later. Took meds. Talked to friends. Added things to calendar. Agreed to speak at a Quaker forum on vocal ministry. In order to decrease the amount of stress in my life I am attempting to actually record future events on a calendar that I have access to regularly. Thus, the smart phone. For some time I couldn't figure out why the events I was entering would just disappear. So I would enter them again. Same thing.
Today, I discovered that my phone is not actually smarter than I am. It thought I wanted to post my personal doctor's appointments on a shared work calendar. Happily, I did not include anything that could be used for extortion. And I successfully relocated the events to my own personal calendar. Sheesh. I think that today I will schedule a bunch of appointments that I have been putting off. I think that will help deal with stress as well. Now that I can keep track of them. On my own calendar. Had to reschedule with psychiatrist. My work schedule changed. But I just started taking the lowest therapeutic dosage of lamotrigine so I will have more information from him when I go see him in September. I should also find out what his name is. Calling him Dr. Psych seems like it might be kinda rude. Also, I remembered all kinds of things that I wanted to ask the OFP (Once and Future Psychologist) when I visited last week.
Grateful Crap: Tap dance class tonight. Equatorial Actions: fixed calendar on phone taught 4 flights of stairs (and hardly winded) meds: 450mg bupropion, 150mg venlafaxine, 100mg lamotrigine* *last night after my first 100mg dosage I fell asleep FAST. I pretended that I could read, but I zonked out with my unopened e-reader on my chest. At least I didn't drop it on my head. The practice of getting one bag of stuff per day out of the house has proved to work quite well for me. Today I dropped off 12 bags of stuff at the Goodwill (but most of it was ready to go and just loitering in the garage. Delinquent Donations). Here is what is working for me about the bag-a-day: 1. I don't feel the need to set aside vast quantities of time to declutter. 2. Instead of giving myself a certain area to clean (which will inevitably spill into some other area) or time (which I will always ignore) I have a clear and reasonable goal. 3. Stuff is actually leaving the house. So one day I took a bag and decided I would focus on one spot in the house that I was pretty sure had a bunch of unused things that I was planning to donate. It did not take long, the space got decluttered and I filled a bag in no time. I'm sure that it will not work for me forever, but it is working nicely for the moment. Grateful Crap: not panicking about being buried in stuff Equatorial Actions: Went to the YMCA today. 30 min on elliptical trainer and weight training as well. Talked with a friend snuggled with 3yo some time outside (but not enough. it was gorgeous today) I was (predictably, now I've discovered) rather hypomanic following my wired late night bead wiring. Ha.
My mood was kinda crappy. I felt just shy of sad on the spectrum. Distant, but not unhappy. However, my energy levels were topping out and I was an extremely annimated teacher. I was kinda pushy and very sassy. My co-teacher told me after class that I should be in theater. We did a great job using humor and acting things out to make sure that students understood the directions. Many people admired my earrings, although interestingly they didn't notice until after they complimented me that I was not wearing a matching pair. Co-teacher got a kick out of the concept of bipolar earrings. It is such a good thing that I am not a courtroom stenographer or a sign interpreter or a tennis commentator. Days like this would be hard to manage. Grateful Crap: That I do not work in business. I don't think business would like me longterm. And it would be mutual. Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 50mg lamotrigine) also: omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin Went on an apple pilgrimage with the neighbor and our assorted children. Thought it was going to be a pick-your-own kind of a deal, but when it wasn't we bought some apples, went exploring a bit and had dinner at a restaurant near the river. Here was the highlight of the trip for me... I got into a post-dinner discussion-- a rather heated one-- with neighbor's son. He was passionately arguing that he and my son should be allowed to run around outside because they were done eating. I countered that I had a difficult time agreeing with that because in my family the rule is that you need to stay at the table until the bill is paid and everyone leaves together. Eventually he decided to stay inside, but what I loved about this exchange was that it was not an argument. We were not yelling. We were both listening and thinking about what the other person said. And it just felt great. How odd is it that my favorite part of the day was a heated debate with an eight-year-old. We got home later than we thought we would. Neighbor asked if it was causing me stress that we were later than usual. No, I thought, the kids will get to bed just fine. It wasn't until about 1 am that I realized she was not concerned about the kids being able to calm down and get to sleep. She was worried about the adults. I felt the need to stay up creating the perfect mismatched pair of earrings... one earring black, the other crystal clear. My Bipolar Earrings. I made and scrapped at least four different designs (many of which involved laborious bead-weaving) before I found one that I liked. And at the time it seemed terribly important that I get this done. Neighbor mentioned the next day that she also had trouble getting to sleep. Needed more time to engage in calming activities. Came home hopped up on fresh air and riverwalks. Grateful Crap: I love my earrings. Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 50mg lamotrigine) also: omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin I am not doing a good job of regularly scheduling my allergy shots. I I had a new student in class. Midway through our 3-hour class she asked if we were going to have a break so she could go have a smoke. Sure. 30 minutes later I happened to look her direction just as she exhaled a giant cloud of smoke (which blew directly at me thanks to the fan she had positioned right behind her.) My reaction: "You can't do that. I will Die. I have asthma." Workplace drama. The post-confrontational aggitation caused me problems. Hours after the event the residual anger/stress/confrontation energy was still buzzing around in my brain. Not the anger, mind you, just the energy. That combined with breathing difficulties due to smoke exposure and my recent upper respiritory crap pretty much did me in for the rest of the day. I came home and slept. I think that is all I did. Yep. That was it. Grateful Crap: That none of my other students in the nearly 20 years that I have been teaching have ever seen fit to light up in my classroom. Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg venlafaxine, 450mg bupropion, 50mg lamotrigine) also: omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin taught |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |