hold me in the light for i have sinned. it has been a super long time since my last confession. probably a year. or maybe more. maybe i have never really confessed. although i think i did when i was in the depths of Depression and it really sucked.
in the interest of brevity i will only confess to my sins of the past week.
three times have i neglected to take my morning medications
twice have i done naught but stay abed in my pajamas reading idle fiction
only day have i spent time beneath the sky
i have had self-deprecating thoughts and entertained the idea that i am supposed to be perfect
i did not attend quaker meeting
four times i have withdrawn from post-dinner mayhem as children engage in yelliness
i have been overly critical of myself and my children-- mostly as an extension of being critical of my failures as a parent
what i am really stuck on is this whole perfectionism thing. intellectually i know that i am not meant to be perfect. and i don't want to be perfect. but there is definitely some kernel of me that expects that i will be externally perfect in some way. not physically perfect. but perfect in demeanor and action. or something. that doesn't sound quite right.
i am okay making mistakes. pretty much i think. i am sort of mostly okay not doing things just right. i have trouble mostly when people besides me notice my failings out loud. because i figure if these failings are bad enough for them to mention, they must be truly problematic.
perhaps i am having a reciprocal problem. i am fond of believing that i don't unleash criticism unless the behavior is extreme and speaking of it is warranted. so my assumption is that if someone speaks ill of my behavior, i must be beyond the pale. i must be offending people right and left and only this person had the courage to speak blunt truth to me.
a friend today mentioned that she wonders if some people just don't "get me" because they are not used to someone who communicates directly. which is fantastic. because it means that i am unable to speak to people in my culture of origin.
i guess that is what makes me an excellent teacher of students from all around the world. we can wonder at the ways of the crazy americans together.
grateful crap: blogging which is working and i have to make sure that i am doing it more regularly and not missing medications. thankfully i have not missed any of the evening medications which are the ones that would be terribly problematic
took meds some of the days
blogged some of the days
exercised some of the days
saw friends some of the days
Quaker, teacher, parent,