Anyone wanna come help me plant stuff? I have not been zombie gardening this spring/summer. But I also have not been regularly gardening. There is a bunch of stuff that really needs to get put in the ground and I can't seem to bring myself to do so.
It's all good, though. I'll rope my immediate family into digging holes this weekend.
My main excuse? Hacking up a lung. Sick since... end of May. Ugh.
This morning I woke with a case of Sad. Nameless, creeping sad in which I interpreted every person's actions, words and motions in the most meaningful and disastrous way possible. Which I knew I was doing at the time, which just made me feel even more Sad.
Example: you walk into the room and say, "Those are really nice glasses." and what I hear is, "I'm trying really hard to find something nice to say about you... but it's hard because you are such an odious individual... so the best I can do is comment on your glasses... which are potentially the least offensive thing you are wearing."
OBVIOUSLY not true.
But it doesn't matter if it isn't true when the Sad settles in. The Sad just sort of settles in and makes up a bunch of crazy crap and leaves me to deal with the aftermath.
By this afternoon I was feeling normal. Which made me think about what it means to be "ultra-rapid" cycler. It sounds like this would make me an excellent candidate for the Tour de France.
But really it just means that my mood episodes might occur one after the other in a single day. Which makes it hard to treat, since most medications are for one thing (Depression) or the other (Mania) and you can't just switch medication protocols in the middle of the day.
I'm trying to spend about an hour per day writing on book #2 of my romance novel series while I am waiting to hear back from Ms. Agent. She is currently reading book #1 and will get back to me some time in the next few months regarding whether she is willing to represent me as an author.
Not holding my breath.
Here is my meds update.
20mg lurasidone in the morning
300mg lamotrigine in the evening
Still haven't noticed any side effects. And don't know if the Sad and Switch has any ties to the new med.
I guess the lurasidone has some sort of effect on levels of dopamine and seratonin. But the people who make it don't have any clue how it works. Crazy. I can use that word. My people have reclaimed it. But you probably shouldn't.
Speaking of which, my chart at the doctor's office says that I am allergic to prednisone and beta blockers. I am not. They are counter-indicated because they can cause manic episodes. I think my doc put it in that way because she didn't want to have the stigmatizing "bipolar" label across the front of my chart.
But here's the thing: when they go over the medications that I am taking, it becomes fairly clear that there is some sort of neurological thing going on.
A recent visit to urgent care had a doctor reviewing my chart and asking questions about my prednisone allergy-- since I was in for asthmatic bronchitis, and steroids are sometimes given as a course of treatment.
When I told him that I was not allergic, but did have bipolar disorder, he said something like, "Best to stay off the prednisone, then. Yeah, that stuff can make you CRAZY!" in a sing-song voice.
If this was you, I recommend that you do not do this to other people. With or without documented mental illness on their charts.
Just because my people have reclaimed the word Crazy doesn't mean that everyone can use it. It struck me as a rather clumsy and ignorant way of handling the situation.
Just the fact that my general practitioner didn't want my bipolar diagnosis to be easily accessible in my charts is telling. And sad.
grateful crap: only 11 more days of 5-hour-long math classes to teach
slept almost enough
took my meds
Quaker, teacher, parent,