Super excited about starting my teaching year. Super excited about working with other teachers in co-teaching situation. Super excited about my kids being back at a school that I love...
And on day 3 of nameless creeping dread.
I feel kind of hollowed out inside and my heart is beating harder, but not faster than it usually does. I am just aware of it in a way that I am usually not.
Stupid things make me weepy. Songs I like. Songs I don't like. Fictional characters in movies and books. News stories.
Problem is, there are too many changes happening at once for me to figure out what is or is not a factor. Or if it is just the whole package.
Possible contributing factors include (but are not limited to)
I find myself actively LOOKING for things to worry about. When I am worried about something else already, I just cast about for other things that are also potentially worrying. It is a fun hobby. You should try. So is sarcasm.
In fact, that is one of the classes that I will be teaching this fall: sarcasm as a second language. Although the politically correct term is Sarcasm Language Learners (SLL) since many of my students already speak more than one language.
Feel shaky and blah. And the blah is noticeable enough to other people that Spouse asked if I were taking my meds. Which I am.
I wish that today were not Friday. Here is my plan. I am going to scrupulously track the mood thing for the next week and if things still suck I will call Psych NP.
Scratch that. I will call Psych NP today and ask her to leave a message with what she thinks I should do.
A) Track my moods for a while first and then evaluate if I should up dosage of lamictal
B) Track my moods for a while first and then evaluate if I should add lurasidone (less popular with me)
C) Take a higher dosage of lamictal (from 150mg to 200mg) as a profilactic and also track moods (my favorite)
Yesterday I was weepy in the car on my way to meet someone. And had to work not to be weepy or super anxious while working. And then despondent when I went shopping for school crap for children and had to go to three different stores... still not finding the particular shade of shirt that elder son needs.
So after I picked up children I dropped them at home
My theory is that some kind-of-helpful person (much taller than I) placed it on a flat surface in the hopes that I would come back and find it there.
Very grateful to have found it, but it was super stressful especially while I was already in the Depressed/anxious zone.
My negative thoughts went thusly: I am a horrible person because I have misplaced my phone. I should not be allowed to have such expensive items. When I have to replace it I should just use a leftover flip-phone from the 90s. The loss of my phone is proof that i am an untrustworthy person.
Here was something totally awesome BTW... when I came home all despondent without my phone, elder boy had taken it upon himself to make dinner already! Which was a great surprise.
Have my phone now. Still no idea how I managed to drop it from my purse.
Anyway, gonna try and post so I can see how long this physically manifesting mood lasts. Also going to call Psych NP directly.
Grateful Crap: Realization that losing something does not ACTUALLY prove I am a worthless person
(subtract points for eating a lot of sugar recently)
meeting F/friend for coffee
got to know a coworker better
called Psych NP... will report later
Quaker, teacher, parent,