this is my new normal. Wake each morning by 4:30. I don’t get up.
I try to sleep again. Or I watch Chinese tv so my mind doesn’t race with anxious thoughts.
I don’t wake with my heart racing. I just wake.
i also fall asleep fully clothed before 9:00 pm. Before I even take the medication that knocks me on my ass.
I am spending less time being be. More time being asleep.
I will report this to psych NP. Pretty sure it coincides with adding on escitalopram. Sleep disturbances. Supposed to be insomnia. Not this.
Awake again. 4:26 am.
I feel like I’m missing posts I know I wrote. I just spent an hour sifting through old posts to see if I could find out when a friend had died.
I even wrote on purpose poetry. And I figured out that she died in 2014 in March. But I can’t find anything but a passing mention that she had passed.
I don’t know why I was searching for posts about my friend. But I was. And they are not there.
Sone time I will have to write about her again. Maybe I never did. Maybe it was too private. Maybe... I don’t know.
I’ve got racing hamster wheel anxiety thoughts. Spouse asked how I was and I was anxious. Not about anything in particular.
But school stuff. Related to student stuff. Good stuff and bad stuff. Things I have or have not or will or will not do.
I worry about them. My students. Much more in many ways than I worry about my own children.
Because I know my kids are safe and have two loving parents at least one of whom is very dependable. And the other one is not harmful. And definitely good for a laugh.
But my anxious thoughts are just random eddies. Not focused on any one student or interaction or thought. It’s like flipping channels. And it won’t stop.
Unless I am filling the void with something else. Not anything thoughtful or meditative because then the racing thoughts overtake me.
Mostly binge watching escapist television. Books would work too but I’m afraid they would eat my life even more.
This could definitely be meds related. Hyped up on too much antidepressant. Or it could just be me.
Lately I have thought it might be nice to be drunk. Another way to stop the racing thoughts maybe.
Only I won’t.
Because meds. And because control freak. And having not been drunk before I guess it’s not something I need to find out that I like.
Because what if I do?
Wouldn't it be terrible to discover that my bipolar driven anxiety could be well controlled by inebriation?
It it seems appealing at the moment.
But the only booze in the house is some port of a variety I don’t like, some expired Baileys Irish creme and an open bottle of merlot long gone to vinegar.
Drunkenness would be a challenge.
And going to the store with a goal of getting drunk seems a bit too premeditated an idea to survive the trip in the car it would take me to buy any alcohol.
My heart is beating too fast.
I need to to bake a chocolate cake.
The house is a mess.
My hair needs more blue in it. The dye is fading to green.
Thank goodness elder boy wants a low key lunch with just us for birthday. 16 today.
I miss my students. I like to know where they are. I like to know they are safe. I feel more like me when I’m at school.
It is a job with set parameters. More or less.
Not like this. Not mother daughter spouse friend. I don’t know how I am doing at those but I don’t think well.
My thoughts are faster and more scattered than yours.
I’ll race you.
slept last night groom 6:30. Dizzy nauseous headache. Mostly dizzy. Like somersaults inside my eyes.
now awake 3:42.
missed my pm meds.
Quaker, teacher, parent,