Kids started back this week. I will start again on Saturday. For the most part this is good. Routine. Leaving the house.
In fact, yesterday I was thinking (or was it on Wednesday) that I was doing REALLY WELL. And wondering if perhaps January is typically a good month for me. Like maybe this is just the right amount of light and darkness. Whether I am more balanced at this time of year.
Then today I felt TERRIBLE. Spent a bunch of time in the morning reflecting on what a disappointment I am. How I am not living up to my potential as an academic/intellectual/economic contributor/human being...
But I decided that I needed to follow my plan to go exercise at the new YMCA by my house, arrange to meet a friend for coffee, and just chill about the fact that I am not Eleanor Roosevelt. Or someone else equally impressive.
I don't think I am terribly interested in being impressive. Only it seems like I could be if I really put my mind to it. But does that mean that I should? Or is this just the bloated ego of bipolarism talking?
How is it that I can have grandiose ideas about my own skills, abilities and overall potential AND low self esteem at the same time?
It kinda sucks.
Not going to list all of the stupid negative messages I was giving myself. But many of them focused around the idea that it is selfish of me to continue working at a job that I love instead of seeking out more regular employment with more hours. And that if I were not so enthusiastic about the work that I am doing I would find it easier to make a career change. Which I really do not want to do.
Often I feel like my multi-symptom educational background is a bonus. I like that I can do many things and have education on a broad range. Only when I am talking to people about career options (in an idle, intellectual sort of fashion) I often hear that I should have been more focused. (Too late!) That it is unclear what I want to do...
Bachelors degrees in Music Education and East Asian Studies
Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing
I didn't think I was going to write about jobs and education at the minute. But I guess that I did. Mostly I just wanted to write a post very quickly before I needed to pick up the Daughter from preschool.
Which brings up the next important reason that I have not sought full time employment up to this point... for the past thirteen years I have been a mostly-stay-at-home parent. Allowing me to spend $0 on childcare (other than preschool for my children at ages 3 and 4). Which is quite amazingly awesome.
P.S. I got my hair cut by an actual professional. And when she didn't cut my bangs short enough I went back (after arm-twisting by friends) and had her fix things.
Also P.S. Spouse is moving toward healthier lifestyle for his own health, which means that I am eating less sugar and getting more exercise. Kind of like when women are pregnant and their partner gains sympathy weight. But the other way around.
Additional P.S. I have undertaken the task of getting rid of clothing that does not fit. I was several sizes off in the jeans I was trying to wear. I had to pooch out my stomach and wear a belt (in which I poked an extra hole with a sewing shears) just to keep them on. This is good because I am not technically in the healthy weight range. It is also good because the weight was lost by incremental changes to diet and exercise rather than a giant switch in all behaviors.
Quaker, teacher, parent,