Bipolar is a selfish disease. everything is about me. If something terrible happens to other people I worry about how it will affect me.
Sad things in the world make me sad. I feel like I’m reaching for things to be sad about.
All about me.
Friends and family falling ill is of course stressful. No one can fault me for feeling sad.
But family of friends... people I have never met... surely that is not about me. And yet I worry. And I weep.
And I am not confused here... I am not grieving over golden grove unleaving. I am who I mourn for.
A coworker who is a great source of stability just found out her sister is dealing with a serious health issue. Hospitalization. Operations. Long term uncertainty.
It is stressful for her and she is sad and worried for her sister. They are very close— share a house, vacation together.
And here I am worried about what will happen to me if she leaves to take care of her sister.
Because it it is all about me.
I feel like I have had more energy since starting to take the bupropion on Wednesday. I don’t think it’s technically soon enough to have taken effect.
I felt disproportionately sad. That broken mood thermostat.
Cried during band practice when someone asked how I was doing.
Cried when I heard Carl Sagan’s voice while watching Cosmos with family.
I was just thinking back on Tuesday that I didn’t have any reserve. That if anything sad happened it would just tip me into real unequivocal depression. The always sad weepy kind.
Because I was already kind of stuck in the listless blues. No energy. Little patience. Foggy brain. Glad I went to have meds adjusted. Hope it helps.
I don’t like that it is all about me.
200 mg lamotrigine
150 mg bupropion (taken in pm)
Quaker, teacher, parent,