I have most recently been in the Downs. Kinda Sad. But with the anxiety thrown in for good measure. More than one afternoon I came home from school, ignored the children and read for several hours.
Meals at night were half-hazard given that I didn't plan them and then everyone had to leave. I didn't get the ingredients I needed for the One True Lunch. Every day I make myself a lovely salad with greens, a protein of my choosing, nuts, dried fruit and a lovely home-made vinaigrette.
Out of greens. But unwilling to mention this or do anything about it. So one morning I just decided I wouldn't bring a lunch to school.
Except that seemed dumb and I don't skip meals as a general self-preservation rule because I would rather be overweight than anorexic ever ever again.
Nasty people (including the midwife who caught my second son) will point out that I am no longer anorexic. With smug judgy looks at my overweight self. Screw you (nasty people). You cannot tell if someone has an eating disorder by looking at their body.
Now more documenting the Sad crap. Oh, right... so instead of bringing nothing to school for lunch, I brought a dried fruit and nut bar and an apple. And a friend of mine called me out on it saying, "I hope that's not all you're going to eat." In a friendly and not judgy way. Friendly concern.
I don't remember specifically what it was that made me ask Spouse if I should start taking the lurasidone (recall that this was the plan I came up with in consultation with Psych NP... if Depression settled in, take lurasidone and call her to schedule). He said yes. That the Depression had been around and pervasive for long enough that it seemed like a good plan.
Several days at school (prior to meds question) when I just felt like all the joy had been sucked out of my body and I was kind of an empty husk walking around.
This was probably NOT the best time to obsessively reread a series in which one of the main characters is struggling with the Depressive side of his bipolar. Of course that may very well be why I chose to read that particular series. (Richelle Meade's Bloodline series. Don't judge me.)
Oh, and hey, the other main character has an eating disorder. Neat.
Right. So in the Downs. Not terribly functiony. Not terribly anything really. A bit quick to cry, but not weepy. Just stuck in Reading Land. In which I read every possible moment (that I was not at work or asleep). Thus: could not be bothered to post.
I managed not to read while at school. I take my job very seriously. And with very few exceptions (over several decades) I am able to hold it together through the course of the day.
Here is the BIG NEWS...
I "came out" to a few more of my friends at school. Not in a secret whispering way, but in a casual conversation in the lunchroom kind of way. And I'm hoping that people were eavesdropping. It was a good conversation.
One friend asked if she could talk to me about it later because she is dating someone with bipolar.
One friend said he thought that mental illness right now is where homosexuality was in the 1950s. The stigma attached and the fear and the need to stay closeted.
I don't want that fear. I don't want that need. It felt very good to talk to them about this.
I wasn't ready to talk to them last year because I just met everyone and I didn't want the first thing I told them to be, "Hi, nice to meet you, I have bipolar disorder and will be your new coworker. Good luck."
Day something on the lurasidone. I have not called Psych NP (see previous post regarding the fact that I do not have time to be mentally ill). This will need to change. I will have to call her from school next week.
The idea of talking to health care professionals of any kind while I am at work makes me quite uncomfortable. There is nowhere terribly private.
I certainly am not comfortable talking to my Psych NP from the teachers' lounge! When else can I talk to her? While driving to pick up the children? In between classes? I suppose maybe I can call while one of my friends is at lunch and her classroom is open for 20 minutes...
Seriously, I have no idea. Maybe I need to drive home during my prep so I can talk to her. Except that I am not guaranteed to reach her because she had clients and a life too.
Texting would be much easier.
Singing with a bluegrass/gospel kind of group now. Me and a fiddle player and a string bass. I don't know why people say string bass. Maybe to differentiate it from the fish of the same name but different pronunciation.
Fish will not be performing with us.
Grateful Crap: that I only need to deal with "first world problems" like being whiny when the internet goes down during peak teaching hours. And also the copy machines.
meds 200mg lamotrigine, 20mg lurasidone
kind of eating okay... okay amount and okay times of day, but not as healthy as I'd like
changing meds as needed and directed
coming out to more people at work
One friend urged me to get a 504 plan so I can have accommodations at work for things like surprise formal observations of the kind that might very well cause me to go into cardiac arrest. Will investigate whether this is a good plan.
Quaker, teacher, parent,