So I have decided that the following things are no good:
Nope, that is pretty much it. I think much of the downturn in mood was caused by lack of nutrients available to brain.
Now mind you, I kind of accidentally on purpose missed the meals. Because I was sad. And because I felt upset that things are not completely (or at all) under my control.
There is something about my friend dying through the conscious restriction of calories that has me overly focused on my own restrictive past. I am letting these thoughts mess me up a bit.
Then the shrivelled up, banished and unused anorexic part of my brain that hangs around just waiting for an opportunity to take over, whispered in my ear. Hey, you could not eat until your friend dies. Kind of a mourning thing Then you could go back to normal. Plus, you are a horrible person because you won't go visit her in hospice. You do not deserve to eat.
But I am wise to its tricks.
So I told the stupid part of my brain to shut up. Post haste.
And I ate healthy foods and felt better and determined that:
I already know that if I miss a meal I become fuzzy-headed and irritable. Why would I want that to happen? I don't.
One of my friends in college would make sure to dress up extra nice if she was underprepared for a performance. That way if she screwed up, at least she looked good.
The stupid part of my brain sometimes lies to me. Actually, it always lies to me, but usually I can't hear it. Or I can ignore it. This lie was: if I am going to be miserable and floaty and sad, I may as well see the numbers on the scale go down. Then at least I would be closer to a healthy weight instead of having nothing to show for the sad.
These thoughts seem surprisingly reasonable until I articulate them.
Grateful Crap: NOT being an adult anorexic. They are scary as crap. And pointy. And sad.
confessed to spouse about the stupid lies my brain is telling me
ate healthy foods
had a very nice breakfast (including home-made yogurt)
Quaker, teacher, parent,