I went to bed on March 31 reading a good but disturbing story. Then had nightmares relating to that story that took me back to the worst of my Depression in High School. Ugh.
Spent April Fool's Day feeling like my head had been transported back in time. Had idle and crappy thoughts. Had a very narrow selection of songs that I could listen to. Most of them made me horribly sad. Or scared. Or both.
Did NOT want to be alone. I stopped at the Goodwill (which I have been doing far to frequently) had a friend over for tea, which was good. Then developed a brain-splitting headache. And nausea. And fatigue.
Happily, spouse could come home to pick up children. Slept for a long time. Woke this morning feeling somewhat worse for the wear. Mostly I feel needy and shaky and not much like a grown-up.
It is not that I am this upset over the death of my friend. I didn't regularly see her. And while I am sad, her passing is not what is causing my downturn. It was just a spark. Just a push. A nudge. And I need to nudge myself back in the other direction. So that I feel like I can kick Depression in the groinal area. Because I would like to do it some serious damage.
Feeling floaty and miserable while driving down the road, my 3yo called from the back seat:
"I don't want to die. Mama, do you want to die? My gramma is going to live forever."
She is going to cause me to have a heart attack. (I do not, by the way, want to die. I was, however, having idle thoughts about the selfishness of people who purposely run their cars off the roads. Not me. Other people.)
I think we have been pretty careful to not talk a lot about death around her... Except for the ultimate battles she engages in with her brothers, slaughtering the enemy right and left. And killing and eating her My Little Pony.
I have discovered an antidote to feeling floaty and miserable and alone while driving: I sing at the top of my lungs a Carrie Newcomer Song "I'm Still Standing."
In which she is accusing someone who is trying to keep her down of lying and scheming and being generally crappy. The person I am accusing, however, is Depressed Me. Because she lies. And I am still standing. Go me.
for many many days
Quaker, teacher, parent,