My realization for today was that back in the good old days when I was out to Kick Depression's Ass I felt like Depression was something external.
Something I could fight against and vanquish or at least beat it back so it was not a giant monster, but a small creature of manageable size.
It seemed like I was fighting against a disease.
With bipolar, it feels like I am fighting against myself. Fighting so many ingrained habits and activities and inclinations. And it isn't going to go away because it is part of me. So the whole idea of banishing and vanquishing goes right out the door.
A friend pointed out that Depression is also part of people. But I was used to my Depression. It was a comfortable kind of pain. Familiar in its bleak emptiness.
Now to find that the activities that I saw as proof that I was Not Depressed are actually proof that I Am Bipolar.
Another realization today was the reason why my bipolar tendencies escaped undiagnosed for so long and why they were worse this year (and thus led to diagnosis and appropriate treatment).
Here are the things that I don't do in the summer that help keep bipolar episodes at bay:
I think working at night is probably also not great for me because it takes me a while to calm down enough to get to sleep and when I get home 8:30 or 9:00 pm from work it sets the whole routine later than it probably should be.
Next summer here are some ideas I have:
find someone to play horn with at least once a month
put together a regular daytime schedule that includes time with friends, and yoga/pilates
make an effort to maintain and improve my social connections instead of hiding
either go to Quaker meeting when it is not hot, or worship with a smaller group in someone's home.
Grateful Crap: return of cooler weather
am - 450mg bupropion, 150mg venlafaxine
pm - 25mg lamotrigine, omega-3, magnesium, multivitamin
more sugar today than usual; 30 minutes of walking (parked far from preschool and marched around the parking lot while waiting for children's school bus.
Quaker, teacher, parent,