I am sitting here in the kitchen where I have just yelled my voice a little raw. Because I don't like how my children are behaving towards one another. And even though it is pointless and counterproductive all I want to do is keep yelling and yelling and yelling.
BE NICE TO EACH OTHER AND STOP ACTING LIKE NARCISSISTIC....
IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. HOW CAN IT BE ABOUT YOU WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ABOUT ME!
Nobody likes doing chores. That is why they are called chores. And getting people to do them is a chore. Which is probably also why they are called chores.
I'm starting to not be so cortisol-poisoned. Perhaps in a number of minutes I could even have a normal discussion like a reasonable human being. Because as I am sitting here I realize that the object of my rage had some decent points. And did a really good of not engaging with his yelly parent.
To my credit, I wound up my yelliness by saying, "I am too angry to think coherently about this right now and cannot possibly talk about it."
Current events note: we are in a particularly stressful run of crap that does not directly affect me, but still raises the overall stress level. Three hurricane disasters one after another. Here is where we get into the narcissistic "all about me-ism." Because I am nowhere near the hurricanes. And it had no effect on my day to day life.
I watched in morbid fascination as the storms progressed. Talk in the teacher's lounge was around the meaning of the word schaudenfreude.
Then there's the whole issue of what kinds of protest are acceptable and who is allowed to protest and when. And who decides what the protest means or doesn't mean.
I don't say the pledge of allegiance with my students. They stand every day and face the flag. Under god and everything.
I stand, because if I am the only person in the room not standing, it becomes all about me. And I don't feel that is my place as a teacher at a public school. I don't say the pledge because it is not in line with my Quaker faith to be swearing allegiance. Taking oaths. Making vows. Not my thing.
But really the issue now is guns and violence and the all kinds of crap that cascades down.
that nothing will ever change because money
and "2nd amendment"
and scary armed militias
but this desperation
on both sides
on many sides
i can't scroll down
because anti-gun bloggers
point guns at me
and although i have no particular reason
and it is on purpose
and it pisses me off
because of this desperation
I remember when I came back from Japan in college. A Japanese exchange student had been shot when he went to the wrong house because he didn't know the word "freeze" meant he shouldn't move.
People asked me in Japan how many guns my family had. I said none. I found out later we had one, I guess. A leftover from a previous generation.
When I came back from Japan I was convinced that I was always about to be shot. I felt safe in Japan. Not even all the police officers have guns. I felt unsafe here. Bare. Uncovered. Afraid. This lasted until I didn't feel foreign anymore. Until I became used to the taste of sugar. And how many white people there were everywhere. They all looked alike to me. And they talked so fast.
I want to live in a place where there aren't so many guns. But I don't see that happening here. And it makes me feel sad and hopeless and bereft and adrift. That it is this problem without end. And things will only get worse. And the self-righteous will shout to one another blue in the face from their mountaintops. And we will be the recipients of changelessness. Clinging to what is RIGHT because IT IS ALL ABOUT US.
And we are yelly.
Quaker, teacher, parent,