Here’s what the Downs feel like right now. I still want to stay in bed all day and never interact with anyone.
Until I get out of bed.
And interact with people. Then I feel better.
But if I’m at home, my comforter beckons. It is warm and dark and cozy.
I want to stay in bed all day. Alone or with Spouse. Because that is the one person I can imagine spending time with in the Downs.
If Spouse is present I would like to be held tightly so my molecules don’t fly apart.
Or I’d like to have a lead blanket. Maybe not lead. Something less toxic. But dense. Good, then. A gold-filled blanket.
And if Spouse is there maybe I can sleep. And if he’s not I just want to keep watching obsessively my Norwegian show over and over. Because I’m starting to hear more of the words.
And if I’m watching Skam I am not crying.
Which is what I did for half the day on Sunday. Maybe less. I cried through meeting and was desperately glad not to interact with anyone.
(As an aside, to break the 4th wall: My child’s school district nearly went on strike for the first time since 1946. I have many friends who work for the district. Until very recently I worked for the district more than 10 years. My anxiety level was extremely high over the weekend. Which I am sure contributed greatly to the downs.)
Then there were some “word salad” problems this weekend. A bit worse than my fuzzyheaded usual depressive mood episode can’t quite find the word.
I know what I want to say, but like a stroke or like dementia... something that interferes with the brain’s access to words... all the wrong things come out. Or right words in the wrong order like I am a living word jumble.
I laughed with family until tears streamed at a particularly bad case of language. I meant to say: «I could buy some tea at Lady Elegant’s.»
What came out of my mouth instead was... «I could get something from Maeve Binchy’s Harlot Shop.»
I knew that wasn’t right so I tried some circumlocution and I said (unhelpfully) “they sell sticks.”
It was a minor blip. Two sentences that didn’t make sense. I was able to manage the rest of the day.
But I have forgotten things. And each forgotten thing makes me feel more and more like a failure. Every failure makes me feel that I am unworthy... Incompetent... that someone else could play me better and more convincingly in the ABC after school special of my life.
I have deleted Facebook from my phone. I told myself it was a good way of having contact with people I liked when I couldn’t bring myself to have real contact with people people I like...
Don’t worry. I have an appointment scheduled to see my psych NP.
Quaker, teacher, parent,