I met Not Glinda this week. I had trouble remembering her name. Now I do. It is not Glinda. She seems fine. We did the getting to know you stuff. I didn't cry in her office. I mentioned that I wasn't really suicidal. That sort of thing. I have a handout from her about Depression and Anxiety and all the lies your brain tells you.
It was kind of a nice refresher course at this time. Because I read a whole bunch of Really Familiar Thoughts and realized that they are Depression and Anxiety thoughts and nothing original. Taking one little thing and making it The Biggest Thing Ever. Feeling bad about something and then turning it into the fact that I am a rubbish human being. I know these things are not true. I am not fishing for reassurance. I mean, I guess it's nice to be reassured that I am not rubbish. It doesn't hurt to be reminded since I forget. When I was a new mom and my kids would cry, my IQ would drop 50 points. Luckily I have a few points to spare or it would have been a huge problem. Now I hear a dog bark and the same things happens. I don't like mean dogs, have I mentioned? This seems ridiculous to me... A mean dog barked at me this summer. I had a fairly extreme Anxiety response to this in part because my Anxiety was through the roof to start with. Now dealing with the after-effects. Unfortunately the mean dog lives nearby. I am looking forward to the start of school so I can have routine thrust upon me. Elderboy did great with the summer running plan he got from his XC coach. If the plan said he needed to run 7 miles, he ran 7 miles. I feel like I need that sort of plan. But I don't think I could plan out the entire summer. My younger 2 kids have a bingo sheet for reading. Like read a nonfiction book, read out loud to a younger kid, read a book and tell your parents about it. Maybe I could have a summer bingo sheet. And shoot for blackout. I don't know. All I know is summer is hard. This summer I allowed my entire front yard to go feral. There is a plant version of this word. Riot? Chaos? Just when I had summoned up the will (far too late) to tackle some of the mess, the mean dog barked at me and I became scared of my front yard. Which is where the offending plants live. Now snow is practically going to fall tomorrow and there is just no point. There is a single tomato growing in my tangled garden. It looks sad and lonely. I don't have the heart to eat it. On an entirely different note, I have received the second of my rejection letters from agents (go me!) so there is that. Don't get me wrong, it isn't fun to get a rejection letter. But it is a point of pride because it means I submitted. And I am crossing one off the list. If they don't love my stuff, I don't want them as an agent and vice versa. It's like getting married. You can't marry everyone. Thank god. I still feel Depressed as hell. Clay faced and crabby. Hard to smile since I'm crap at faking it now, apparently. I know I will be honestly happy to see my students, so there is that. Real smiles around the corner, presumably. 300mg lamotrigine 10mg fluoxetine (waiting for this to have any kind of positive effect) Comments are closed.
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |