i made a cuff a while ago (last spring) that i hate. almost everyone else likes picks it out as one of their favorites--or at least it catches their eye. i hate it because it looks chaotic and anxious to me. and i remember that i worked on it while i was ramping up to full-on mania last spring. so looking at it makes me feel anxious and chaotic.
a friend had an interesting thought: perhaps people who have not experienced the chaotic anxiety of mania get a chance to experience a little bit of the energy. maybe it's just because they like chaotic things. it might explain why they like me.
i am down really down icky down no reason down and it sucks down. perhaps i should phrase this differently. i was down yesterday and still down this morning.
don't want to list the things that i am thinking about because they are not the things that have made me sad, they just are. they are the things that i continue to think about and percolate on to sustain the sad.
most of them can be twisted around to prove that i am a bad parent bad friend bad daughter bad employee. notice a theme?
i will call i will call i promise i will. both the OFP and the Psych NP. today. even though all i want to do is write and bead and sleep and not interact with anyone. including students and children and friends and parents and coworkers. (see above paragraph for the bad tie-in)
wondering if it is sssseasonal. or perhaps sssstart of sssschool.
don't really want to talk to the OFP because i figure what is the point i know there is no reason to be sad and she will be all reasonable and say things that of course make sense that i could tell myself.
went to bed after dinner last night. wanted to sleep earlier. did not cope well with anyone else's stress. then slept for almost eight hours. then woke super exhausted.
i want to just sleep, mostly to avoid interacting with anyone or think about the low self esteem crap.
Quaker, teacher, parent,