I will try to improve my posting hygiene... make it part of my "regular routine." Of course right now I don't really have a regular routine, so that is part of the problem I guess.
Summer has been like this for me:
The Part of The Post About Beading:
The pre-show beading was largely sensical and preparatory. The post-show beading was largely anxious and neurotic.
I took an order for a cuff. And I wanted to make sure that I got it done promptly and she didn't worry about it. So I pretty much just beaded non-stop until I finished said item. Which is stoopid.
The show went well. I sold six cuffs, made enough money to cover the cost of my booth and enjoyed myself moderately. Here are my feelings about showing my stuff at a two-day-long art festival outdoors.
The Non-Beading Portion of the Post
I feel disappointed with my ability to DO SOMETHING and involve my children in the wider world. Or even just the outside world. Or even the world beyond the living room. Or the couch.
Mostly when I was home and when I wasn't home, everyone just sat around playing video games, watching movies and whining.
Occasional explosions of air-dry clay. Some forays into sidewalk chalk. It is likely that I am overexaggerating.
I am simultaneously mourning the disappearance of unscheduled summer days and realizing that I am poorly equipped to handle these unscheduled summer days.
Spouse went out of town and nothing interesting happened. So there is that. No rennovating the kitchen. No digging up the garden. No creating a patio in the back yard. No replacing all the doorknobs.
I am no longer taking the anti-psychotic, but only because I didn't touch base with my Psych NP before it ran out and then I figured I'd see what things were like without it. I don't think I have noticed much of a difference. Except that I am not wickedly tired... although I fixed that by taking it at night instead of in the morning. Whatever.
This way I can see if I gradually slide into mild-moderate Depression while on lamotrigine alone.
I have also decreased the amount of lamotrigine that I am taking. Now 150mg per day. And I would rather not tell you that these medication changes have been my idea and I have not gone over them with Psych NP.
I am 100% certain that she would approve of them, but it is really my plan to have her approval prior to making medication changes.
I have just been so frazzled by how difficult it is to get in touch with her. I have an appointment scheduled in the second week of August and I will come clean about all of this AND get her contact information. Which I used to have but my phone destroyed it.
I went to a giant party with people that I don't know and I didn't have any lasting ill effects. Nor was I overly anxious during the event. However, I was also not at all involved in planning or anticipation of the event and in general... forgot to even bring the birthday present. Which makes it seem like my coping mechanism for large party even was big-time avoidance.
I noticed I was having a hard time making eye-contact with people I hadn't met before. I wonder if I always have this problem? I didn't want to encourage conversation or small-talk. Eye contact is the gateway drug.
I must say that I do enjoy not feeling anxious at the moment. Even if I deliberately think of the things that I could be worried about, it doesn't get to me. I'm sitting watching the sunset. And writing. And not feeling terrible that I screwed up the present or that I haven't contacted my commission customers.
Of course I am a bit worried about the fact that I am not feeling anxious.
When I was first diagnosed with bipolar, the psychiatrist said that i was probably used to being just a little bit hypomanic most of the time. I think I am also used to being just a little bit anxious all of the time. I think they go together.
I'll keep an eye on this to make sure it isn't the start of anhedonia.
P.S. I went water-skiing for the first time in over 2 decades. It was amusing. I mostly went out of solidarity with elder son who is learning to ski. Thought I'd join him in the venture. Likely to be sore tomorrow. Wore my Wonder Woman swimsuit. I rock.
Grateful Crap: sunscreen
time with family
coped with strangers decently
did new/old stuff (skiing)
meds: 150mg lamotrigine
Quaker, teacher, parent,