When I am doing well (like right now, knock wood), it is kind of impossible to remember how things felt when I was not doing well (like a month ago or so). And vice versa. For instance.... I remember being super overwhelmed at the idea of... well anything really. I remember that I would come home from picking up the children from school and closeting myself away in my room. But I cannot imagine doing that now and it makes no sense to me that I took those actions.
Because when I am having a "mood episode" I am actually impaired. Much as I hate to admit it. So if I translate it into the more obviously physical world...
I have a broken leg. So I can't run or jump or walk or go swimming. Because MY LEG IS BROKEN. But when it heals I can do all these things again.
I recently read that some people experience long stretches of "normal" in between mood episodes, but that most people with bipolar have low level underlying symptoms all the time. With occasional (or frequent) flare-ups. Not that I remember where I read this or if it was a reliable source. But it feels true. Precarious.
So maybe not to think of the episodes as a broken leg. But a pulled tendon. Bones heal stronger as they reknit themselves. Tendons, ligaments and muscles are not so forgiving. And once injured, easily susceptible to re-injury.
Because I plan ahead (when I plan at all... hmmm, another all-or-nothing behavior?) I am starting to get things set up to sell my beadwork at an art expo to be held in December. But here is the thing... I will slowly get things set up. Responsibly. So that I am not scrambling at the last minute.
I have energy today. My kitchen is clean. I took the children to swimming lessons. I did not feel TERRIBLE about the fact that the class I am teaching is boring. (Operator error, no doubt.)
My acupuncturist told me that I should not have stress because:
I'm gonna go write on my trashy (but hopefully not too trashy) romance novel now.
Quaker, teacher, parent,