Hard day. I got only a few hours of sleep because I was stressed out over something and that made it hard for me to go to sleep. (stupid cortisol)
AND I had forgotten to take my allergy medications the day before SO when the house was open at night because it was finally cool enough not to run the air conditioner and the pollen came creeping in at 4am I was awake.
I am only recently aware that in my more Depressive states it is difficult for me to settle myself from being stressed. I often think that the amount of stress I am continuing to feel over some occurrence is perfectly reasonable. I am sure it is the issue that is making me feel overwhelmed.
But as I listen to myself explaining it to someone else it doesn't seem like I am having a measured response. It's not the issue that is causing the distress. It is the stress.
The distress is perpetuating the distress. Sure enough. Turns out the more Depressed you are, the longer it takes your body to go back to normal from a cortisol spike. I sometimes enjoy the adrenaline. But I don't much like the hangover that comes afterwords.I think I need to let go of the extraneous things that are causing me to hyper-focus and stress out. I keep saying this and then I keep not quite doing it. I am holding on to the things that I said I would set free. Someone who doesn't go to pieces can take care of these things and the world will still turn to face the sun.
I had to go back to bed at 7:30. I had zero tolerance for anyone else's whining because I was too focused on my miserable self. Went for some enforced family fun, which really was fun for most of the time, but then crashed in the heat.
No really, I crashed. I had no energy to put into anyone else and I just lay on the grass in the shade and stared into the sky. It was quite relaxing. I took this picture of an airplane. However, I don't think that spontaneously lying flat on my back whenever I am overwhelmed will turn out to be a very useful coping mechanism.
It isn't very satisfying to be overwhelmed by chemicals. It is more satisfying to have some thing that I am wrestling with. I can't very well say "I'm sorry, I'm having kind of a cortisol spike here. Can't behave rationally. Don't trust my own assessment of the situation."
The icing on the cake? I have had a child (not really awake) screaming herself hoarse every fifteen minutes for the last two hours. Overtired night terrors. (stupid cortisol)
Grateful Crap: manual focus camera lenses, cool nights, effective treatment of allergies, strawberry rhubarb pie, family even when they are driving me crazy (not literally
took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion)
time with extended family
photo safari of neighborhood with eldest kid
How long have I been on the increased dose of bupropion... I have to go back and check. There is a possibility that an increase in anxiety may be related to a change in dosage. If so, it may or may not subside. Or I am just a stress-monger and I now have enough energy to stress super-well.
Quaker, teacher, parent,