Remember when I said I didn't remember how to take pictures with my camera? Here is how the first few photos turned out. If you look very carefully you can see the shadow in the bottom right hand corner. It seems to be somewhat overexposed.
I do not have bipolar disorder and I am super glad about that. I don't know that unipolar Depression is any better, but it seems more manageable somehow.
But still, there are times when I am kind of speedy and times when I am really not. Just because my level of "manic" is nowhere near a clinical definition does not mean that there are not highs and lows.
After all, people without a diagnosis of Depression experience highs and lows. It is normal.
So, as I sit here with my injured shoulder (&*(T^$#!!!#$^&(IRT$!) reflecting on the fact that I have not been able to take time to post for the past week because I have been too busy sprint-cleaning. That my monomaniacal obsession with the state of the house has grown to somewhat ridiculous proportions in these past few days.
Here is what it feels like: that I am adopting some of the ticks that came along with my eating disorder, without going in to the calorie restriction or the over-exercising. Those are just the obvious things. The things that people notice. Really in some ways the least problematic things.
Most of my days (when I was at the peak of my anorexia) were spent making sure that I followed an increasing number of imaginary rules. And I feel that part of me coming out to play a little bit now.
That rigid thinking.
That need to control minute details in my surroundings.
The idea that there can be a just right way for things to be. Perfect. No wrinkles on the bedspread. No soup spoons touching teaspoons in the drawer. Hard cover books color-coded on the shelf. No, alphabetized. No, organized by subject. No, by height. No... maye
The problem is that when I had these ticks back in the dark ages of high school, I only needed to exert control over my immediate surroundings. My bedroom. My locker.
Now I have a house.
And while the rules were impossible to follow even back then (because I kept adding new ones) it is even more ridiculous now that I have three children and a house and a yard and a job and a basement.
However, focusing on the impossible tasks eats up whatever space in my brain that might otherwise be spent thinking about things that I am having trouble coping with.
I am just as happy to have only the ticks and not the anorexia. Because I think it will be easier to bring under control. So to speak.
This post languished for days because my computer lost power and I could not be bothered to find the cord and plug it in.
Quaker, teacher, parent,