Back to my lack of grace (in the physical sense)... In college I was making an effort to stay in shape. It was fairly successful in that I engaged in aerobic activity to ensure that I had enough lung power to play French horn.
It was less successful in that I sustained one idiotic injury after another.
I dislocated my jaw playing inter-mural soccer. A very powerful but unskilled player on the other team took a shot "on goal." I was nowhere near the goal, but the ball hit me square in the chin so hard it knocked me flat on my back like in a cartoon. I didn't know that could happen. I couldn't play horn for at least five weeks.
I decided to try running. I threw out my back. The only way I could get comfortable was to shuffle very slowly. Sitting or lying down hurt. A lot. When a friend offered to massage my back and try to relax the muscles it became ten times worse and even the shuffling didn't alleviate the pain. No more running.
There was the infamous bike trip where I somersaulted over the handlebars and gave myself a concussion in addition to lovely road rash on my knees and elbows (I still have those scars). This made me very leery of biking even with a helmet. No more biking.
I turned to swimming. Which was fine for a while. Then I did a kick turn too close to the edge and scraped my head against the concrete wall. It left a large abrasion. No more swimming.
A person in one of my classes saw my scraped-up face after swimming and asked, "What did you do now?" When he found out it was a swimming accident (!) he shook his head in disbelief and said, "Who is supposed to be taking care of you? They are doing a terrible job."
And here's the thing: whoever is supposed to be taking care of me, they still are doing a terrible job.
As an adult clearly I am supposed to be taking care of me. And I am doing a terrible job. I fail to see the obvious value in getting enough sleep, in daily exercise, in doing things in moderation. Oh, I see the value in this for other people. Just not for me.
This is very similar, actually, to the disordered thinking in which I thought, "Everybody else needs to eat, but I do not. I am different. There are special rules for me." This is not similar to disordered thinking in that my behaviors are not so immediately self-destructive and so are sustainable over a longer period of time.
I need to want to make changes in my behavior. I need to not try to do everything perfectly at once or just give up and not do anything. No more black and white thinking.
Grateful Crap: my brain works more the way I want it too
took meds (150mg sertraline 300mg bupropion)
went on picture walk
drank enough (or at least that is the plan)
(did not drink enough yesterday. i thought I did but I was in the sun much more than usual and did not compensate)
Quaker, teacher, parent,