Managed to go to the YMCA. Did 20 minutes on the elliptical trainer. Daughter LOVED playing in the gym. Picked up swimming schedule (so I have no excuse to skip the gym). Also took a short walk outside.
Note: make appointment NOW with allergist so I can continue to enjoy walks outside. Calling NOW.
I felt much less hermit-like yesterday. Ate well. Exercised. See, it is such a revolutionary idea.
I should become a guru. I should attract followers. We could sit in a comfortable position not too far up a mountain with appropriate winter gear and have moderately stimulating conversations for a reasonable length of time. We could be "Moderationists."
We could be the most moderate, reasonable, well-adjusted and healthy people EVER.
Grateful Crap: Really enjoying learning to embroider.
got outside (!!!!)
Made my first call to 911 today for a student who collapsed during class. She should be fine, but suffered a seizure and we needed the paramedics.
I have decided in the cool light of the today that it is probable that people who are not entitled white navel-gazing divas also suffer from Depression.
It is my intention to go to the Y tomorrow. I think Pilates. It should be good for my shoulder stability. If the weather is good I will also go for a walk with the daughter.
New class starts tomorrow. I am feeling somewhat apathetic about it. This will change, hopefully, when I meet the students.
Grateful Crap: art with the daughter. Modge Podge and tissue paper.
did not engage in ridiculous cleaning
did fold some clothes
white (majority culture)
That I should just snap out of. Or grow up.
I know that what will jumpstart the Ass-Kicking of Depression is getting out of the house, into teh sunlight, and being phyically active. I know that the Sad is just an excuse to not do these things.
I need a reset. I need to recharge the whole Ass-Kicking proposition. Instead I have been engaged in escapist activities. Decluttering, Goodwill shopping, reading semi-trashy novels.
I have had trouble with the following routine activities:
I need to do the following things:
I feel guilty about the things that I have allowed to slide in the past few weeks that the Sad has colord my actions. I feel terrible about the people that I have let down. And these are not BIG problems. Meetings that have needed to be rescheduled. Questions I have asked that I may or may not have received an answer for. Mostly connections with people-- they kind of wig me out at the moment. People or connections. I don't know. This paragraph makes no sense to me.
I feel like I need an agent. I need to be some kind of eccentric person who has a go-between with the real world who can go about making my excuses for me and preparing my re-entry into polite society. Except that I am not so removed from polite society that this is warranted. It still sounds nice.
Grateful Crap: sleep again
taking meds all the time
spent time with a friend
learning to do emboidery
If I have been out of contact with you I am sorry. And I feel super guilty. And I am tempted to never see you again just so I won't have to be ashamed at my lack of attention to our friendship/familyship/colleagueship. Although I imagine if I never did see you again, I would get the chance to nurture this guilt for some time going forward. Crap.
April 3 I was supposed to go to my appointment with psych nurse practitioner. It had been rescheduled (by their office) two times already. Third time is supposed to be charming, right?
I was really looking forward to checking in and unloading a bit and confirming that the medications seem to be at a good level. And if it weren't for situational Sad creeping in, I think that the Depression would be under fine control.
When I showed up at the office, however, they had no record of me. Really. Not just no record of my appointment. They asked for last name, first name, phone number... "Have you ever been seen at this location before?"
Quite happily, they managed to squeeze me in after the last appointment of the day.
Upshot of this meeting: I confessed my cleaning problem (which had resulted in injury) and she asked if I was worried about it. No. But I will be if it continues unabated.
I think (yes, it's true) that I spent most of the morning tidying and reorganizing and folding laundry. Which was somewhat uncomfortable. That evening I went to band practice where I was unable to support the weight of my French horn with my left arm. I ended up resting my arm on a spare music stand and singing the fourth horn part. Classy.
That night, as GIANT SNOW descended on the city, I was unable to get to sleep until 4 am because the pain in my neck and shoulder was unbearable. Not in an acute, shooting way. Just in a "Ha Ha Ha, you will never be able to actually rest your head on your pillow!" kind of a way.
Spouse kindly took the day off and allowed me to sleep, and drove me to my appointment since I was unable to turn my neck in one direction or the other.
I was sent home from the doctor with a prescription for ibuprofin, muscle relaxants, and some physical therapy stretches. She also prescribed more shoulder massages to deal with a massive (no, MASSIVE) knot in my left neck/shoulder area. And she stipulated that I was only allowed to clean under strict supervision.
With the help of better living through chemistry, I was finally able to rest my head on my pillow and made up for my apalling lack of sleep.
Grateful Crap: better living through chemistry
went and saw folks for better self-care
took meds (now quite habitual)
Note: I have decided that as I move into trying to eat healthily and get exercise regularly I am going to track my weight in kilograms because those measurements have no emotional baggage for me.
I went to bed on March 31 reading a good but disturbing story. Then had nightmares relating to that story that took me back to the worst of my Depression in High School. Ugh.
Spent April Fool's Day feeling like my head had been transported back in time. Had idle and crappy thoughts. Had a very narrow selection of songs that I could listen to. Most of them made me horribly sad. Or scared. Or both.
Did NOT want to be alone. I stopped at the Goodwill (which I have been doing far to frequently) had a friend over for tea, which was good. Then developed a brain-splitting headache. And nausea. And fatigue.
Happily, spouse could come home to pick up children. Slept for a long time. Woke this morning feeling somewhat worse for the wear. Mostly I feel needy and shaky and not much like a grown-up.
It is not that I am this upset over the death of my friend. I didn't regularly see her. And while I am sad, her passing is not what is causing my downturn. It was just a spark. Just a push. A nudge. And I need to nudge myself back in the other direction. So that I feel like I can kick Depression in the groinal area. Because I would like to do it some serious damage.
Feeling floaty and miserable while driving down the road, my 3yo called from the back seat:
"I don't want to die. Mama, do you want to die? My gramma is going to live forever."
She is going to cause me to have a heart attack. (I do not, by the way, want to die. I was, however, having idle thoughts about the selfishness of people who purposely run their cars off the roads. Not me. Other people.)
I think we have been pretty careful to not talk a lot about death around her... Except for the ultimate battles she engages in with her brothers, slaughtering the enemy right and left. And killing and eating her My Little Pony.
I have discovered an antidote to feeling floaty and miserable and alone while driving: I sing at the top of my lungs a Carrie Newcomer Song "I'm Still Standing."
In which she is accusing someone who is trying to keep her down of lying and scheming and being generally crappy. The person I am accusing, however, is Depressed Me. Because she lies. And I am still standing. Go me.
for many many days
Quaker, teacher, parent,