I changed my facebook password because someone else had accessed it. I am sure it was as a result of injudicious use of public computers. Shame. Then I forgot what my new password was. Had the reset password thing sent to my email, but I haven't bothered to figure out how the new gmail interface works so I kept going back and checking and checking and checking... until I saw that there were tabs and that one of them was "Social" which I had avoided because I wasn't feeling particularly social. Ha. Decided to clean up my computer by throwing out unused old crappy applications so logged in as administrator; but this means that I don't have access to my photos for this post. Remembered to bring my phone today, but not to charge it. Discovered that the two different parts of my job are on two different schedules; one of them is on break from December 18-January 14. The other one only gets one week off. Good thing I found that out before I made any elaborate plans to vacation in Tahiti during the interim. All my thoughts are short and choppy today. Not in a bad way, just in a short and choppy way. The poetry part of my brain is taking a rest. Or the prose part is. Whatever, they are not speaking to one another. I can't remember if I am right or left brain dominant. Ah. I knew I was really majorly one or the other but I forgot. Here is what a completely invalid totally non-scientific online quiz gave me (after I scored 71% right brain) When it comes to who calls the shots in your head, it appears as though your right hemisphere takes charge. You're intuitive and spontaneous, preferring to take a much more "hands-on" approach to life. There are times when you may be a little scatter-brained and disorganized, but it's not like you do it on purpose - with so much out there to explore and so many things to do, it can sometimes be hard to keep track of everything! Not one to care or worry about the little details, it's the "big picture" in life that matters most to you. When it comes to following rules or making decisions, you don't really have to go through the whole thinking process; you prefer to rely on your gut rather than logic. This may not make sense to some people, but you've probably always been the type of person who's willing to go out on a limb, basing your decisions and actions on nothing but a hunch. You are often drawn to the abstract and mysterious, and enjoy figuring things out on your own. Being a visually-oriented person, you are likely much more adept at expressing yourself through actions or designs rather than words. It sounds like they are describing my zodiac sign. Is that how you say it? Or is it zodiacal? Zodiacity? However, it also rings fairly true as those around me can attest. But it turns out it is probably as valid as a horoscope according to anyone who knows anything about how our brains actually work. I have often described myself as a force for chaos in the life of my left-brained spouse. Hmm... gives a different meaning to my "other half." Perhaps the term should be "other hemisphere." Wow I got off on weird tangents in today's post. Grateful Crap: I can count the days until winter break on two hands Daily Convexions: Took meds in the morning (still have not gotten more allergy meds. should do so.) Ran up 3.5 flights of stairs (and then really really wished that I remembered that my inhaler was in my purse) Talked to younger son about how to manage anxiety and worries. He was surprised to hear that I too am a worrier. Really? I had to teach the meaning of the above phrase to my students who recently moved here from much warmer climes. Bleak and wintry. You know, like today. I must admit I have not done much good work on the whole recovery road lately. Scratch that. I have done some good work:
Still pretty much not feeling like all things that I have done wrong are going to leave an indelible stain on my permanent record (whoever is keeping track). Here is what I need to remember when I start making ridiculous leaps of imagination in which I am the root of all problems: I just don't have that much control over the world. How arrogant, really. At the college where I teach the semester is winding to a close. This has been my first semester there and I am looking forward to next semester. Reflecting on what I did well this go around and what I would like to build on for the next semester. Grateful Crap: favorite quote from the day, "I bring the world inside the car with my eyes." Daily Convexions:
New experience today: many irritating things happened relating to where I was supposed to be and when I was supposed to be there. And most of them were somewhat under my control. Roads were slippery, I didn't have all my stuff together in time to leave as early as I needed to. It involved me being:
In the past with or without any (overt or implied) criticism I would have spent most of the rest of today (and parts of tomorrow and mabe the rest of the week) beating myself up over the fact that I screwed up. And there would be a continuous internal audiotape about what a terrible parent/spouse/offspring/teacher/person I am for said screw ups. Wow when I write it down it looks very ridiculous. However, it is true. So this was a pleasant difference. And seemed oddly healthy. This must be what it is like to have a measured response. Grateful Crap: quote from nearly-three-year-old who did not want to take a nap: "Snuggle yourself." Daily Convexions took meds in the morning experimented with not freaking out when I make mistakes drank enough water ran up 3 of the 4 flights of stairs spent no more than 45 minutes decluttering (binged a bit on that yesterday) and I will go to sleep at a reasonable hour I wanted to do some arty stuff with the kids this morning. Because the house is a disaster and I have not washed my hair since... I am not telling. And there is laundry to do and dishes to wash. (Note: picture at left is not from this morning.) Perfect time to launch into a messy project with no thought for protecting clothing, work surfaces or drying areas. I needed to get some ideas for marbeling paper with children. I had a book with instructions for how to do it with oil paints, carageenan and "ox gall." But I didn't really want to kill an ox just to do a craft with my offspring. So I thought I would turn to pinterest. Lots of cute projects. Lots of great photos of cute projects. Many people who have a very different idea of what it means for kids to do art than I do. (I don't think that cute crafty things that look just like the adults want them to count.) But the biggest problem was how many many many blogs there were full of wonderfully organized crafty parents (okay, only moms. which also kind of pisses me off) who not only have the time and energy to do art projects with their kids, but the time to document them photographically, write them up and post them. Daily. I am not one of those. I am far more likely to take pictures like the one above-- of my children thoroughly enjoying art materials. Creating to the point of destruction. Not really artsy blogger material. And I like this approach to children's art. I really do. It fits with both my parenting philosophy and my educational philosophy. Giving children more freedom to explore on their own without having so much parental intervention and micromanagy direction... So why do I feel guilty when I look at the blog posts of the adorable children in their matching smocks doing darling crafts with their perfect mothers in the pristine kitchens? Oh. My kids love doing art. They love thinking of things and learning new techniques and deciding who will get this art. This is a good thing. I will never be a pinterest-poster. And I may have to avoid going there until my attitude improves. I am not in competition with these perfect-seeming people. Also, I am pretty sure that I am the only one who is judging myself harshly in comparison. And I am equally sure that I am not the only one who feels like a crappy parent when looking through some of these posts. Grateful Crap: enthusiastic (and messy) artists in my home Daily Convexions:
Yup. The telephone: a terrifying beast that shatters the silence with its banshee's cry. Bringing with it heavy obligations of social connections whether welcome or otherwise... Now, I am not saying that I am over my allergy to bi-directional synchronous electronic audio communication. However, I did manage to return a phonecall to a friend today. So what? Well, this is a friend that I had fallen out of contact with a close friend for long enough that I felt horrible and embarrassed about it. And when I got a message I didn't return it because I felt horrible and embarrassed that I had not called first. And then the weight of all that time made it hard to even think about picking up the phone. Easier to pretend that I had moved to Point Barrow, Alaska. Or entered the witness protection program. Or suffered some kind of aphasia preventing me from undertsanding the English language. So today I returned a call from this friend after just one day. Small victories, right? Only it is a bigger deal than it sounds like. It is the inside part, again, that is the big deal. The fact that I don't secretly smile when I can't find my phone. The lack of dread when it rings. I admit, today it sounds ridiculous. Only it is a feeling that is likely to come and go. No cures. Never done. Recovery, just like life, is a neverending journey. But wouldn't it be nice if it were a nice tidy project that could be completed in a weekend? Wrapped in a package? Tied with a bow? Oh well. Grateful Crap: not going outside today. Working on presents for people. Enjoyment of knitting/beading/sewing... Daily convexions: took meds in the morning posted promptly returned a phone call (even if it was just part two of the slowest phone tag game ever) My favorite flavor of ice cream as a kid was Peppermint Bon Bon. (Elsewhere you might find it referred to as Mint Chocalate Chip.) I would try other flavors out of a sense of obligation. I should widen my palette, I thought. Try new things. I might find something I liked even better. Except I didn't. Inevitably I would get a cone of tangerine cheesecake or double-chocolate death delight (okay, it was likely strawberry cheesecake and chocolate brownie...) and find myself thinking, "this is okay. But it's no peppermint bon bon." After a time I just went with the peppermint bon bon because I knew I would not regret the choice. I might (slightly) regret the abstract idea of not trying something new, but I could enjoy my cone in relative happiness. The same thing happened at most restaurants I frequented; they might have dozens of dishes on their menu but I would choose the same one. Everty time. Because I knew I liked it and I knew I wouldn't be unhappy with the food on my plate. Why take the risk of trying something else? Not even something new-- just something other. I believe that I am also now guilty of doing this socially. I like staying home. I like being with my family. Sure, I like my friends. But really sitting here and knitting with my spouse while watching some enjoyable movie after the children are in bed is my peppermint bon bon. No risks and no regrets. (I have always been boring like this.) Then there is also the whole intertia thing. And the cold. And the introversion. And the slight allergy to meeting and interacting with new people. Or not-so-new-people. Or people that I know and like (or even adore) but who number more than four in the same room. I am making petty excuses for why I am sitting here typing instead of driving over to a friend's house for a needleworkers' group. Or calling another friend to schedule something. It is going to be a wicked busy weekend. It is dang cold outside. And I feel the need to hunker down. So needleworkers, I am sorry that I chickened out. Again. One of these times you will see me. Grateful crap: really liking my home and my people Daily Convexions: meds in the morning long relaxing rests tea with family I did a full hour on the elliptical trainer today and it felt pretty good. It felt good enough that I think I should find more than twice a week to make it to the Y. Stuffy head from sinus infection is on the wane. Which is good. The exhaustion, pain and irritation of the invading bacteria were starting to feel like the new normal. Ugh. Took my meds in the morning (but I need to get new allergy meds. Also need to schedule with allergist.) Grateful Crap: antibiotics (when they prove to be necessary) Daily Convexions: took meds in the morning one hour on the elliptical trainer (2.44 miles) did some volunteery stuff in a music-related capacity played horn I am still awake and it is after seven pm. This is a great victory. I am on my second day of antibiotics and my HEADACHE seems to be slowly dissipating. I feel like I should be more overwhelmed by all the stuff that has gone undone on the days that I have gone comatose just after (or before) dinner. But I am not. Perhaps I am living in a state of well-rested, blissful denial. Who knows. I'm just going to enjoy this relatively peaceful and almost pain-free experience. Nearing the end of the semester at the college. I am fighting the urge to beat myself up over all the things that I would have done differently if I had known then what I know now. What a clumsy sentence. Oh well. I didn't know where it was going when I started it. Ha. These good things happened though:
Next semester I will have a better overall plan for what will happen ahead of time. It was hard to not know that I would be continuing in this position beyond fall semester. First to be told that my position wouldn't go past December. Then to be told it would continue through May. And finally to be told that my position would continue indefinitely. Which for some reason brings to mind the Princess Bride: Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning. Luckily, I will now be assuming the mantle of the Dread Pirate Roberts at Saint Paul College and I will be free to terrorize students to my heart's content. Grateful Crap: pretty, pretty snow. Also, children who are engaging in very interesting theological discussions with their classmates. (Not the two-year-old. But give her a month or so and I wouldn't be surprised.) Daily Convexions: took meds in the morning drank almost enough water did my four flights of stairs took a short nap instead of the whole sudden comatose thing that lasts all night posted Went to bed at 6:30. Woke up at 7:00 am and thought it was still last night. Disoriented. Did not take meds. Went to doctor and got antibiotics for sinus infection. Blood pressure seemed fine. I need to track it regularly to get better data over time since a single high reading doesn't mean anything.Did not take meds today (yet). I will take my sertraline and my allergy meds as soon as I get done writing. Today I saved the world. Okay, not really. But I engaged in recreational car repair that paid off. Although now my fingers ache like anything. I managed to take out, clean and oil the front blower motor in our mini-van because the heater/vent was not blowing any air. Now it totally blows! I am not going to do any frantic cleaning for the rest of the week. I need to just chill. Sheesh! Happy December. Grateful Crap: working heater. In Minnesota. As winter is soon upon us. Daily Convexions:
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |