I am having a bit of chicken and egg thing going on here. I feel like a first year philosophy major. Or someone having some drug-related "woah... look at my hand..." moment. I wondered if eating disorders cause depression or if depressed people are more likely to become disordered. Same with drug abuse, alcoholism, compulsive gambling and other addictive behaviors. Also, do I decide that everything is my fault because I am depressed or does thinking everything is my fault just worsen the depression? Is perfectionism the cause or is it the symptom? Idealism? Pessimism? I think some parts of my personality naturally tend toward not-productive directions. But certainly not all of me needs to be "fixed." And that gets me back to my dizzying question: what if the only parts of me that people like come from my Depressed brain. What if the only parts of me that I like are a result of my Depressed brain? I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic. She had "friends" who told her she was so much more fun when she was drinking. Nice. The medications that I take are not mood altering. But won't fixing my brain change how I think? What if the reason that I haven't continued with treatment on a consistent basis is fear of success? If I am not Depressed I won't have an excuse to not be perfect. To not get everything done. This is, of course, ridiculous. Why does it not work to know something is ridiculous? Why doesn't that just fix everything? I am a smart person. I want to be able to think my way out of this. This is also ridiculous. There was a poster at the doctor's office that said something like "Trying to snap yourself out of depression is like trying to talk yourself out of a heart attack." While searching for what exactly that saying was I came across a list of negative thinking that worsens Depression. All-or-nothing thinking – Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”) Overgeneralization – Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I can’t do anything right.”) The mental filter – Ignoring positive events and focusing on the negative. Diminishing the positive – Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“She said she had a good time on our date, but I think she was just being nice.”) Jumping to conclusions – Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“He must think I’m pathetic”) or a fortune teller (“I’ll be stuck in this dead end job forever”) Emotional reasoning – Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel like such a loser. I really am no good!”) ‘Shoulds’ – Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do, and beating yourself up if you don’t measure up Labeling – Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”) Well, crap. The self-help industry really turned me off the whole positive thinking bit. It seems like lying. I feel realistic, but the fact is I am a raging pessimist. That way when good things happen I can be pleasantly surprised, right? So, now I am going to engage in some of the recommended activities: tackling a manageable task, do something I enjoy , spend some time in the sun and get a little light exercise. Grateful Crap: people who call me out on my non-productive thought patterns Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) spent time in sun got some exercise worked to minimize stress (deep breathing, pacing myself) This morning I made enough room in the garage for my mom to park her car. We just dumped all the things that got wet from the basement in her garage and they still need to be sorted. At least now they are consolidated and the many empty boxes are collapsed and ready for recycling. I think that helping clean up after the flood is good for me in a few ways. I got some practice pacing myself. Going slow. Marathon instead of sprint. I also did not feel overwhelmed and disheartened when I returned to my untidy house. I will work slowly. I will not panic. Things will get done. I forgot to take my meds until this evening. But I did remember. Still have an unbroken record (when I have the prescription in hand) of daily compliance with medication. I never realized how anxious I was until I took the time to slow down. I thought I was just very productive. Or enjoyed being busy. Or that I was somehow immune to sleep. However, I do believe that anxiety has been a factor in my brain chemistry stuff. This makes sense. I am a worrywart. I just don't like to think of myself that way. Perhaps because one of my friends has been hospitalized for anxiety attacks I feel that my anxiousness doesn't come close to that. And it doesn't count. Only I think it does. Maybe now that I am no longer so fatigued I can recognize the anxiety. Who knows. I have the rest of August to kind of figure things out before the school year starts. I promise not to try to do everything. Grateful Crap: coming home, getting an enthusiastic toddler's welcome Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins soaked in a hot tub to relax The last day out of town... stayed for an extra day so I could spend time with family. It was nice. Wasn't in a hurry to get anywhere. Then spent the night at my mom's so I could help with some further cleanup from the flood. An afternoon of loading up all the old electronics (including GIANT speakers) into the back of the truck. An evening of relaxing and helping fill out insurance forms. A late night engaged in recreational television. Neglected to post (so I backdated this). Little to say at this point because I am one post behind and need to write something for today... Grateful Crap: being helpful to someone else Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins pretty much didn't overtax myself almost drank enough water got a moderate amount of exercise while hefting stuff into the truck p.s. the above photograph that I posted to my tumblr site was featured by the #landscape folks. So it got a bunch of likes and reblogs. Which is nice. Back to my lack of grace (in the physical sense)... In college I was making an effort to stay in shape. It was fairly successful in that I engaged in aerobic activity to ensure that I had enough lung power to play French horn. It was less successful in that I sustained one idiotic injury after another. I dislocated my jaw playing inter-mural soccer. A very powerful but unskilled player on the other team took a shot "on goal." I was nowhere near the goal, but the ball hit me square in the chin so hard it knocked me flat on my back like in a cartoon. I didn't know that could happen. I couldn't play horn for at least five weeks. I decided to try running. I threw out my back. The only way I could get comfortable was to shuffle very slowly. Sitting or lying down hurt. A lot. When a friend offered to massage my back and try to relax the muscles it became ten times worse and even the shuffling didn't alleviate the pain. No more running. There was the infamous bike trip where I somersaulted over the handlebars and gave myself a concussion in addition to lovely road rash on my knees and elbows (I still have those scars). This made me very leery of biking even with a helmet. No more biking. I turned to swimming. Which was fine for a while. Then I did a kick turn too close to the edge and scraped my head against the concrete wall. It left a large abrasion. No more swimming. A person in one of my classes saw my scraped-up face after swimming and asked, "What did you do now?" When he found out it was a swimming accident (!) he shook his head in disbelief and said, "Who is supposed to be taking care of you? They are doing a terrible job." And here's the thing: whoever is supposed to be taking care of me, they still are doing a terrible job. As an adult clearly I am supposed to be taking care of me. And I am doing a terrible job. I fail to see the obvious value in getting enough sleep, in daily exercise, in doing things in moderation. Oh, I see the value in this for other people. Just not for me. This is very similar, actually, to the disordered thinking in which I thought, "Everybody else needs to eat, but I do not. I am different. There are special rules for me." This is not similar to disordered thinking in that my behaviors are not so immediately self-destructive and so are sustainable over a longer period of time. I need to want to make changes in my behavior. I need to not try to do everything perfectly at once or just give up and not do anything. No more black and white thinking. Grateful Crap: my brain works more the way I want it too Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline 300mg bupropion) went on picture walk drank enough (or at least that is the plan) (did not drink enough yesterday. i thought I did but I was in the sun much more than usual and did not compensate) I am not technically in the sanitarium. But this slowcation has felt much like the "Kur" my friend mentioned (except I don't think there probably would have been five very active children and a tornado warning as part of the package) I have been taking small swims. Very short walks, and long naps in the afternoon. I have also been staying up long past reasonable hours looking at the night sky away from light pollution. And I don't get the multi-week stay; only five days. I was more on edge today. Less balanced. I found I had very very little patience for sounds that irritate me, for instance. People humming. Chewing bread. You know, unreasonably loud things like that. (sheesh!) I did realize that I was being irrationally tyrannical and probably just needed to take a break rather than trying to control everyone around me. The break was good. I feel I am doing well. But I don't know if this feeling will last when I get back and I am nervous. Which is ridiculous because I have been doing quite well. It's just that here at my family's cabin with the lake quiet during the week and the wide sky and no real schedule I have a different kind of freedom from worry that never happens at home. I am removed from so many of the "shoulds" that live in my basement and on my calendar and in my yard and garage. How can I channel this calm when I return to the unconfronted shoulds? The things that I have been absolved of by my friend but that still have to be dealt with somehow by someone... okay, I am not going to list the stressors here because that is counterproductive. But that's what I am worried about. Grateful Crap: slowcations Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300 mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins exercised gently in the lake (walking back and forth in waist-deep water) I need to remember the 4 different elements involved in defeating Depression: physical, mental, biochemical and social. I feel like I am doing a good job on the mental, biochemical and social fronts, but I haven't ventured as far into the physical aspects as I should. Gently. Short walks
So my anorexic brain shrunk down to the size of a pea and lives inside my head and rarely comes out to play. So long as I don't disturb it. If I don't poke the wasp's nest it's fine. Pretty much. I still have trouble with triggers. So much so that I am not going to list what they are here because it can drag me back and make me feel like a "failed anorexic" instead of a rare person who beat the disease.
There is a strong correlation between anorexia and depression. It looks like there is some evidence that the depression is not a separate illness but may be due to the physical and biological changes to the brain. With malnutrition the brain shrinks and there are fewer neurotransmitters of any kind. So while I didn't kill off brain cells getting drunk, I did lose significant gray matter to my eating disorder. I guess brain size and neurotransmitter availability return to normal functioning levels in some people. in other people they don't. Great. I think I get to be a recovering from Depression and recovering from anorexia for the rest of my life. It will hopefully just get easier. And my ability to identify thought patterns that are indicators of one or the other or both of these co-existing conditions is a great boon. I just go from being more or less able to ignore them. P.S. You cannot tell whether people have an eating disorder by looking at them. There were girls of all sizes and weights in my eating disorders recovery group. The sickness is in the brain and the side effects are in the body. Grateful crap: not going through treatment for anorexia ever again. Ever. Daily Convexions
Okay, so that is overdramatic. The weather was more exciting than usual today. Still, cool morning, windy warm afternoon, tornado watch/warning in the early evening.
So I spent a little time and much of my creative energy being the calm port in the storm for a gaggle of children while we hid out from the storm under an old train cart inside a ridiculously well-constructed garage. The garage was designed by my great-uncle who was a structural engineer and it was built to bridge safety specifications. It is anchored to the earth with steel beams sunk deep in concrete. Going nowhere. The storm blew past quickly without incident here. But then I had to document the weather (see above) and I did not rouse myself to do my writing. Many apologies. Grateful Crap: safe ports, family stories, the wonder and power and changeability of nature, watching new friendships develop in a rowboat under a blue sky Daily Convexions took meds (150 mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable vitamins ummm... more calm. calm is good Confession: I have not gotten to sleep before 1:30 any of the days of my slowcation. I love the quiet of the night and the sound of the wind and the waves and the many stars in the planetarium of the clear round lake. (back-dated post) I've really got nothing much to say. Spent the day in and out of the water, taking photographs, watching children play and talking with friends. Pretty much just felt like a normal human. I need to look up information on the kinds of activities recommended for lowering intensity. I think they were in Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's workbook on Parents, Kids and Power Struggles. But it could have been somewhere else. I found it, but then I lost it again. Here is what I remember: exercise, repetitive jaw motions, and organizing activities (legos, knitting, puzzles) but that isn't the wording she uses. I guess I will have to wait until I am home to find out... I meant to finish this post but Perseids barely visible in the night sky remainders of my day (and beginnings of the next) under a Friendly, laughing Milky Way sky while waves lapped beneath shooting stars sped by... Grateful Crap: F/friends.
Daily Convexions: took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins remained calm even in the face of a houseful of 5 children who did not always get along (but mostly did) When you don't try to rush through everything, it is possible to be more relaxed. This is an example of my razor-sharp insight. It also includes such gems as: this was comfortable until it wasn't. Still working on the slowing down thing. I guess it is the kind of thing that I don't get to be done with. i packed for a trip this morning. And when I noticed I was kind of spiraling into a frenzy I took a break to do some recreational lens repair. As a meditation-- not with the intention of actually being able to fix the lens (actually a lens attachment: a 2x teleconverter), but just to see how it worked and if it could be fixed by me or someone else. The verdict? Yes. But not right now. Then I went back to packing and was able to keep it somewhat sane. This was, however, at the expense of packing smart. I wandered around the house and put things in bags as it occurred to me that I needed them. For long trips I more often make an excell spreadsheet detailing all the items that I will need and then check them off as I find them and again as I pack them. I am not kidding. You should have seen the list I made when I went to Kenya for four weeks. I spent a lot of time breathing slowly today. And listening to children play. Now it is dark and silent in the cool of the night. All around me family and friends are curled up in chairs reading books. I am having a slowcation. Grateful Crap: good friends who go with mad spur-of-the moment plans, clear freshwater lakes, dark away-from-the-city skies, quiet after the excitement of everything new. Daily Convexions
This is a picture of a bridge over the Mississippi river. Actually two bridges. The old one still stands as they construct the new one. It is a heavy-handed metaphor for learning new ways of thinking while the old thought patterns hang around. I have been ruthless in my drive to produce self-portraits that I like and hopefully in the process get more comfortable with having my picture taken. At first I just felt ridiculous but now I think there is something to this aversion therapy self-portrait business. This has led to several discoveries: 1. You can learn to be photogenic. Just like doing math in your head or having decent balance... all things I believed that you were born with. Nope. It is a skill and has nothing to do with how "pretty" you are. I suppose it's also like public speaking. I know some people freeze up when they are in front of a crowd although one on one they are just fine. I get that way in front of a camera-- I become stiff and lifeless with a plastic smile. When I look at photos of myself and say, "Wow, is that what I look like?" the answer is-- no. 2. When I am unhealthily thin I hate how I look in photographs. When I am a healthy weight I hate how I look in photographs. When I am heavier than I want to be I hate how I looked in photographs. This tells me that my weight has nothing to do with my perception of myself on camera. It's in my head. So, fix my head. Right. I do have one picture of myself from about ten years ago that I look at sometimes and think-- if only I could be that size and shape. That would be perfect. But I don't remember feeling perfect at the time. I am not naturally kinesthetically aware. I don't have a good idea of how my body moves or where it is in space. I misjudge distances and trip over shadows. I have spent a lifetime not feeling like my body really represents who I am. Divorced from my physical self. I want to inhabit this body. I want to move in. Otherwise it's just an empty shell with an intellect and a heart floating around somewhere else. And maybe if I feel like I am really here, that this body is integrally me, I will look a pictures of myself in a different way. Grateful Crap: mostly being healthy and having body parts that move and do pretty much as they are asked, days with sun and wind and shade, a big truck (thanks little bro) to haul leaves and crap to the yard waste site in one trip, the excitement of a trip with family and friends Daily Convexions
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |