I thought I was doing a fine job. Until I wasn't. I dropped the kids off at their afternoon summer program and was getting ready to go home when I became dizzy and light-headed. I decided it was not advisable to drive (even the 1 mile to my house) but called on a F/friend to rescue me. I felt foolish, but also smart. Since I didn't know why I felt faint I figured that operating heavy machinery (like a truck) was a very bad plan. Make that A Very Bad Plan. My first theory was that I felt faint because I had just heard a Terrible Medical Story about multiple back surgeries and nerve damage and herniated disks and fusions and spinal fluid leaks and near death. It is not unreasonable to assume that medical stories might make me feel queasy. I had to leave the room while watching a video tape of open heart surgery in high school. Okay, I wasn't even watching it. I had my head between my legs and I was listening to open heart surgery. When I went to pick up my brother from having his wisdom teeth removed I tried to have him drive me home because I was feeling so faint from watching the video on how to take care of people who have had their wisdom teeth out. This video was the least graphic medical film ever. It showed two people in an empty room with an airline chair. The nurses took turns walking past me and laughing silently. When my brother came out of surgery I half-jokingly asked if he could drive since I wasn't sure I was safe to do so. I have twice been asked by doctors (who were treating other people) to sit down, put my head between my legs and NOT GET UP because they were afraid I might collapse into their sterile field... But honestly I was having an odd head-rush feeling about twnety minutes before my friend told me about her hair-raising surgical experiences. New theory: the same old theory. Deyhdration and overheating. I really didn't think that dehydration would be my biggest problem with the new compliance with my anti-depressants. However, so far this has been my most bothersome symptom. I will have to look back through the posts to see how many times I have had heat-related stuff this summer. My recollection is that today makes three days this season. Grateful Crap: L.W. (yes, you.) Daily Convexions took meds drank water and green tea and whatever else I could pour down my throat to make up for the deficit slept lots and stayed out of sun called a friend to rescue me instead of stupiding it out on my own. I have decided that I am going to let one good thing color the whole day. It works the other way, right? So why not. I ended the day laughing so hard that tears and gasping and my aching stomach and stop I just need to catch my breath... Sure there were irritations and a day-long headache and the countless little things that didn't get done. But this will happen every day. Grateful Crap: laughter about things that were once not funny at all. Artistry across all disciplines that can communicate the whole range of emotions. Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline 300mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins laughed. a lot. When I was on the girls junior varsity soccer team in high school, someone thought it would be a good idea to send a squad of junior varsity cheerleaders with us to an away game. There are no crowds for JV soccer games. They do not play in a stadium. Most often the soccer pitch is partially consumed by one or two baseball diamonds. So what were we doing with cheerleaders on our bus? There was also a fairly large cultural divide between the girls who chose to play soccer (even though they were not good enough to make the varsity team) and those who chose cheerleading (even though they were not good enough to be football cheerleaders). We clearly did not want them to cheer at us, and there was no one else to cheer to. Even the home team didn't have any fans. Or any bleachers. So our own personal cheering squad gave up and wandered off, leaving their pompons behind. At half-time they were still nowhere to be seen so we swiped their gear and put on our own half-time show. I made sure I was on the bottom of the pyramid. I can't stand heights. I should not be surprised that with this as my only experience as a cheerleader I do a terrible job of cheering myself on. Also the fact that the fight against Depression is so much more internal. And grueling. And hardly sporting at all. I do have fans and other people cheering me on. I welcome that now, as I didn't in high school. Maybe because my cheerleaders are with me by choice instead of being sent against their will by a sadistic athletic director... However, I want to do a better job of exhorting myself to do the things that I know I should. Even when I don't want to. I can be so stubbornly non-compliant. Not with the meds, I am definitely a born-again anti-depressant-taking pill-popper. I have noticed a dramatic difference in my capacity to function while on my combined medications. It is all the other things that I know I am supposed to do that I would really just rather not. And I don't have a personal trainer or a chef or a masseuse or a yogi following me around to remind me to take care of myself. I just have me. And while I might have enough energy to think about maybe doing something, I don't have enough energy to spare on the pep talk that might actually get me off my butt. I have a plan for the school year (which for me starts next Monday): every Tuesday and Thursday morning I will go to the YMCA after I drop the olders off at school. Then the exercise will just be part of my regular schedule and I won't have to think about it. Go me. Yay. I am much better at berating myself for not doing something than I am at cheering myself on to get moving. I am sure I am not alone in this. My pledge for this week: NO MORE STAYING UP UNTIL 1:00 AM. It makes me stupid for the rest of the day. And is bad for my asthma and allergies and headache and Depression and anger and dealing with stress and, well everything. Grateful Crap: a comfortable bed, the fact that I can touch-type, knowing that more than two people read my blog and get something out of it. Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline 300mg bupropion) (got so little sleep last night that I didn't do much today but take a long nap and try not to freak out about the fact that I wasn't going to get anything done today.) will go take decongestant and non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs right now so they take effect in time for me to go to bed at a reasonablish sort of hour Drank a bunch of water Stayed out of the heat Told funny stories to my children that made us all cry I made plans (sort of) for today but most of the day went counter to my expectations. Also, I felt that my mistakes or poor planning or poor communication led to this state of affairs. This made me feel grumpy and tired. So I took a nap. Which ate up even more of the day. In the end we just dumped the nebulous plans for enforced family fun and relaxed in an unstructured way in the afternoon sun in my mom's backyard. Which was far better than trying to squeeze in whatever unplanned activities we hadn't yet thought up with a bunch of tired and irritable people. None of us got enough sleep last night. Too much carousing. Dinner and a movie for me and the spouse; a night at grandma's for the younger ones. We just aren't made for this kind of rock-n-roll lifestyle. At one or two points in the day I did have a sinking feeling that I could do nothing right and that if I were not involved in the planning (or lack thereof) everything would be going swimmingly. But I subsequently dismissed those thoughts. Pretty much. What is interesting to me is that as my Depression is less bad I seem to be spending more time thinking negative thoughts than I did before. Probably because when I was more Depressed my thoughts were: tired. must sleep. Now I am more lucid and more eloquent in my self-disparagement. Nice. So here is the deal: I am not supposed to be perfect. Perfect people are hard to love, or even be around. Perfect people do not make good friends, parents, teachers or spouses. Perfect people make good martyrs. Since martyrdom is not my goal, I would say I am just about okay. Slightly imbalanced, but for the most part satisfactory. And since I am perfectly willing to let everyone else make mistakes, I better make it okay for me to make mistakes too. Also, the last thing I want to do is imbed the idea in the minds of my children that if they are not perfect I will not value them. Or that one mistake ruins the whole day or makes you a terrible person. Gee when I say it that way it really does sound ridiculous. I should be nicer to me. Grateful Crap: none of the things that happened awry today were really disastrous; tomorrow they will seem even smaller. My favorite quotation from the 2 year oldLMama, these moths are very disappointed." Daily Convexions: took my meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) drank what must have been gallons of water mostly stayed out of the heat changed plans rather than go into a frenzy of activity to stick to an unrealistic time table for "fun" In Japanese culture/language there is a great deal that is left unsaid and must just be understood. Haragei is the method of communicating these unspoken messages that are more important (and truthful) than the stated words. The amount of cultural context that you need to understand spoken Japanese is somewhat enormous. Which means that Japan is a "high context" culture. As a plain-speaking Quaker (although not one who uses plain-speech, thank thee very much) this is infuriating. As a Scandinavian-Minnesotan it feels like home. Now, I have looked into the sociolinguistic studies of Scandinavia proper, and find that Nordic culture is described as "low context." This means that what people say is generally what they mean and you don't have to know a whole lot of background and metaphor and tricky nonverbal cues to understand what they are saying. I am convinced that the Scandinavians who came to Minnesota left because they did not communicate in this way. And they were too religious. And talked too much. The United States as a whole is also considered "low context." However I maintain that there are so many different cultural linguistic patterns in the U.S. that making a blanket statement like that will not do an adequate job of describing the verbal waters we swim in. I am at home in a linguistic world in which the most important things are unsaid and must be assumed. But how good of a mindreader am I? Fairly bad. Unless everything really is my fault and every time people exhale it means they are angry at something I have done. When my Japanese instructor was explaining the distal-style speech that Japanese people used to communicate things that were difficult to say outright it made sense. Conflict should naturally be avoided at all costs. Allow people to save face. GIve them some room to interpret what you have said in a better light than maybe you actually meant it. I have decided to try to stop reading people's minds. I just don't think it's a gift of mine. And if I am super worried about something, I will go ahead and ask about it. So if I start asking you stupid questions, すみません。 Today I went to five weddings (kind of... the people were already married but now it is legal in Minnesota) and one funeral. I cried more at the weddings and laughed more at the funeral. I sang at the top of my lungs and I sang quietly and I sang somewhere in between. That felt good. Grateful Crap: the people all around me who support me in ways seen and unseen, spoken and unspoken. You give me a stable base from which to establish my defense against Dastardly Depression. I thank thee kindly F/friends. Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins rinsed my sinuses with salt water multiple times (fricken' sinuses) went out to dinner and a movie with my spouse (18 years and 12 days of marriage behind us) dropped off a bunch of crap at the Goodwill New theory: chronic or acute sinus infections combined with Depression (and side-effects from antidepressants) are compounding some of my more irritating symptoms: Dehydration/dry mouth, headache, irritability, foggy brain, depressed mood, sleeplessness... I think there is something to this whole connection between Depression, allergies and sinus infections. Apparently recurrent sinus infections can be particularly problematic for asthmatics. (problematic for asthmatics! tee hee!) I often tell people I have "reverse SAD" because I tend to experience a worsening of my Depression symptoms at the end of winter (just as all the mold from wet leaves in the snow-melt comes out to play). Winter is the only time that I am not plagued by allergies. Except that I am now allergic to dust and my cat. So I guess I am always plagued. Crap. Maybe I should go see my allergist. Any road, my best advice is to choose whether to have allergies, or asthma or Depression. Don't go for a hat trick. Here's the joke: the recommended cure is to drink water and get a lot of rest. Why is this funny? Because I hate drinking water and I am having a devil of a time sleeping through the night. I wake up thirsty, or I wake up coughing, or I wake up because I can't breathe. Or I can't get to sleep in the first place because I am too wired with stress or whatever to get to sleep. Or I wake up at half past "crazy early" and decide to write a blog post until my ibuprofin and pseudoephedrine finally kick in and I can be horizontal AND breathe. Which is a bonus for sleeping since I'm pretty sure I would fall over if I chose to sleep while standing. Now a head transplant would no doubt fix many of the problems. I'm pretty sure we could take care of the Depression thing straight away. And the remnants of Eating Disorder. And allergies and sinusitis. I might need new lungs to take care of the asthma. The jury is still out. Perhaps there will be a three-for-one special at the imaginary mad scientist lab that does these transplants and I can go under general anesthesia once and take care of everything. Of course the potential difficulty is that I actually like most of the stuff that is in my brain. So I guess the head transplant, which would naturally include a complete lobotomy, is not a viable option. We'll just take that one off the table and rely on rest, nasal irrigation, and steam inhalation to have an effect. La. I don't have to be grateful because this is a post before the sun is up. And I have no Daily Convexions I am tired of fighting back the tides of Depression. Tired of trying to pull my thoughts away from the strong pathways built in my brain toward negativism and guilt. Tired of having to remember to take my meds every day (which I did, this morning). It feels rubber-band taught. That any release in this struggle, any lessening of my will and I will snap back to my fully Depressed state. That the more I fight, the harder it gets to sustain this tension. Easier by far to settle for less. To let a moderate amount of depression, a bit of flat affect, seep back in to regular rotation. Balance is not easy. Balance has never been my strength. I twist my ankles right and left. I trip over shadows. I am afraid to be pulled over for drunk driving because although I never (really never) drink and drive, I am pretty sure that I could not walk a straight line. How much simpler to swing between elation and dejection. The natural rhythm of a pendulum. So long as I don't swing too far. Which is the concern. So never mind. These cheery thoughts typically accompany headaches, mild dehydration, whining children, the witching hour as dinner time approaches and allergies. Both yesterday and today around this time I have felt my face turn to clay. That is how I described the way I felt for most of my senior year of high school when I was more than just mildly Depressed. An emotionless mask. The facial muscles unresponsive. Too much effort to create any facial expression. I don't like this feeling. I need to take ibuprofin, drink much water and take a nap. Instead I will do dishes, make dinner and try not to yell at the children. Grateful Crap: the fact I do not live in Syria and whatever problems I have they are privileged "first world" problems. (I should know better than to read the news when I am in a blue funk), that probably all the things I think are my fault are probably not Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins made artisan pizza dough spent some time outside visited with neighbor spread joy and light in the world with this cheery little post I just missed an important deadline for registering for a class. Which is maybe okay since I have been an Early Childhood Education parent for about 10 years and maybe it is time for someone else to have my spot. I really want it for my kid, since it gives her a chance to socialize and play with other young ones. Trying not to beat myself up about this. It is not the end of the world. I am just disappointed in myself. Didn't want to do the online sign-up and put off registering in person until I was sure of my work schedule. Which was pretty much simultaneous with the closing of priority registration. Like I said, it is not a disaster. The class isn't so much the issue. My lack of attention to time is. Now that I am re-entering School World I have to readjust my focus (or lack thereof) on the calendar. I will find good things to do with my kid even if I am not in a class. I will make sure that she plays with other children. I have already thought of three or four different ways that I can address this issue. But I keep coming back to the fact that I MISSED A DEADLINE. Let it go. Oh, and I forgot to take my meds this morning. I got caught up in a walk around the block with a toddler wearing nothing but a diaper. "Do you think maybe you should put some clothes on?" "No, I do not." Then spent some time with a friend. Which was nice. And yet all I can think about is this stupid missed deadline. Not trying to think about it is causing my head to hurt. It's the pink elephant problem. Or when I lie in bed trying to get to sleep and thinking: now, don't focus on anything stressful. Instant call for all stressors to dance through my head for hours. I think the fact that I used to work at the site where I missed the deadline makes me feel professionally negligent and personally foolish. However, I could not reasonably have known which classes I could sign up for until late yesterday when I lined up most of my childcare for the job. *sigh* Grateful Crap: the ten years I spent as an ECFE parent, the fact that SPPS offers ECFE classes that make me want to continue attending them (and I must confess that educators are notoriously very harsh critics. We can be hypercritical of the teaching methods and demeanor of the staff), the excitement of the upcoming school year... I love my job. Daily Convexions took meds (okay I am about to take them as soon as I get off the computer) - (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) went for small walk caught grasshoppers with a select group of children talked with a friend I plan to do some stretching today. The sky is ridiculously blue and butterflies will insist on flitting about. Cheerfully bouncing from flower to flower. Grasses nodding and cicadas in a thrumming chorus. And the sun shines brightly in its typical brilliance. The smells of damp earth and dewdrops still glittering in the shade of trees. The whispering trees that gossip without remorse, nearly omniscient from their great height. And the stupid sky will insist on its blueness. Unrepentant. Still I lie in the grass with a stone pressed against my spine too tired to shift away to comfort. Too heavy for limbs to move without the aid of strings. An abandoned marionette. My eyes can close but I know the birds are circling companionably overhead. I can hear their calls. The sun gently parts the leaves to shine even into these shadows. I can see the shafts of light through shuttered lashes. I dream without sleeping. Dream of snakes that slip through the grass to twine around my arms. Circling circling until they rest their heads one upon each shoulder. Freud would have a field day. But in this dream the snakes are just snakes. Garter snakes with jeweled eyes. Their tongues slip silently in and out. They too know the oppression of the blue sky. The appearance of Eden when they know we left the garden long ago. They come to comfort me. The world is not all blue skies and butterflies. We too are here. Grateful Crap: that I can typically communicate less poetically, snuggling with a toddler, children excited after a day at a children's festival, sleep Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline, 300mg bupropion) spent about 10 minutes outside did NOT overexert myself. Big headache today. I think I got dehydrated yesterday on the walk. And it is taking me some time to bounce back. Finally headache is gone, but I am afraid to not be drinking something. Stupid brain and its stupid need for fluid replacement. I had some troubles today. Trouble getting up in the morning. Trouble taking it easy. Trouble with pacing myself. But I successfully didn't beat myself up about this too much. I also came across a good term for what I am working toward: not going from negative thinking to positive thinking, but "balanced" thinking. (Don't rock the boat.) I went on a long walk with my family that turned out to be waaaay too long for me. Or it was the sun. Or I was dehydrated. At any rate I was fine until I wasn't. So I waited for my companions to bring the car around and pick me up... lying in the grass and staring at the clouds. Upon returning home I thought I would do a little light organizing. But instead I dove into a frenzied attempt to singlehandedly eliminate all unwanted items in one room in the basement. Happily I realized ten minutes into it that I was not able to pace myself and I got out of the house-- fleeing the project entirely. Grateful Crap: learning to recognize my signals before I collapse Daily Convexions took meds (150mg sertraline 300 mg bupropion) took chewable B vitamins spent time (too much) in the sun went for a walk did something I liked (took photographs) |
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K. BuchananQuaker, teacher, parent, |